Stuck.

The truth is that limbo is slowly dragging me down the road of failure again. And failure is not something I can use right now.
Didn't pass two exams on a few points and the worst thing is that a part of me wants to fail because then I'll have a reason to get depressed again and stop eating and starve myself. It's the easy way out, something I do not like and something I desperately want to fight against but right now I am sitting here, blogging, in stead of studying.

As if it does not matter that if I fail this year, and won't get enough ECTS that I will have to work in a supermarket for the rest of my life. As if it does not matter that I will lose friends all over again.

I am thinking of getting back into therapy but it is not as easy as I want it to be. Because going into therapy is admitting that something is wrong, admitting that I am having nightmares again and that I just stuck my finger down my throat after a binge. I mean for fucks sake who eats ice cream for breakfast??

Admitting that something is wrong might be the right thing to do, getting into therapy might be a good thing but at the same time it will prevent me from being happy. Though I have to confess getting my ECTS for once would be something that could cheer me up for a while.

There is this part of me that is so incredibly sad, tormented and broken every single second of my life. It causes me so much heartache during the day and prevents me from sleeping at night. The stress of only having 10 ECTS yet while I could have 30 doesn't make anything better. I should study for my resists which are next week, but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Scream, get rid of this heartache, pull out my hair and stop living. It's not like I want to die, I just want to give up. I want to curl up in a ball in bed and just lay there for every single second of the rest of my life.

Of course that is never going to happen, so in stead of that I picked up an extra shift at work, I decided to try and study for an hour and study tonight. All night.

This, again, is just a random trail of thoughts. I am seriously not able to function properly anymore because everything I do has some sort of horrible consequence. Getting into therapy means stepping back into that roller coaster, getting pushed around between therapists, doctors, hospitals, you name it I've been there. It also means possibly making it to next year at uni, yet it does not mean I will be happy. There is no certainty that if I go through all of it again that I will get better and that I will be able to start living the life I know I deserve.
I do not think that I deserve this. I really don't. No one does, no one deserves to go through the things we go through every single day. It's exhausting, it's phenomenal, addictive and at the same time it destroys you. Not only physically, it destroys your identity.

Eventually people will find out you'll be stuck in therapy for a while and then you will be either right back where you started or in limbo. And limbo might be even worse. Because you are too terrified to move forward and mortified to give everything up once again.

Oh if only I could do something to make everything either better or worse.

Love,
Anna