It's kind of a funny story

According to Bob Dylan one who isn't busy being born is busy dying, seize the moment, carpe diem, live your life like every second, every smile and could be your last. What about the women on the titanic who waved away the dessert tray moments before the ship shank?

Is it weird that I am still stuck in Limbo? That I still do not know what I should do, if I should eat, if I should continue fighting my illness or if I should stay in bed in day. Come to think of it, my life is kind of a funny story as it is not going anywhere, and maybe that is because I am not going anywhere. I don't know. All I know is that there are so many contradictions in my life that it is preventing me from moving on. The choice between my sick kind of happiness and health, the choice between the good and the bad, the bold and the beautiful.

I can choose to be happy, stop eating and lose weight, feel beautiful and perfect or I can accept that I am who I am, and that my big fat nose is not going to change, even if I lose weight and that my stomach will never be flat, my legs won't be thin, and my skin won't be flawless.

I can try and fight every day to eat three meals, to stop myself from either purging or bingeing and being a good girl. Do what the doctor ordered, what my family asked and my friends expect. Or I can let go and eat the food I need to get through the day; live on nicotine and caffeine like I used to do, something I loved more than anything.

I can achieve my goals and be thin again which does not only mean that I don't have to look in the mirror ever again and cry my heart out but I will finally feel beautiful, I will finally get the confidence to do all the things I want to do.. Be able to wear those shorts again. Yet achieving my goals also means being tired, anxious, alone, having no boobs whatsoever and hurting everyone around me.

Basically I don't know what to do. I know what I want, and I know what I should want. There are differences and in the meantime I am just trying my best to stay in Limbo the best I can, trying to get through day by day and at least do the best I can.

I am going to try and recover. I think. I think I am going to try and get rid of the voices in my head and the heartaches, the tears in my eyes. I think I should make this about beating anorexia rather than obsessing over it online. I don't know, I am kind of empty today though not feeling anything also has it perks.

Maybe I should stop now.

Love,