Tuesday, 21 August 2012

White Lies

Why is it that one lie can ruin thousand, maybe even millions of truths? Why is it that one lie can make you doubt every single other thing someone has ever told you?

I have always been better in lying than anything else in the world. I have told more lies than anyone should at my age and I am still not honest with most of the persons I love. Why is it then, that it hurts so much when people lie to me? If I want people to be honest with me shouldn't I be honest with them first?

A little innocent white lie can easily just transform in this dark corrupting secret. I've been telling fairy tales to everyone I have ever loved. We all tell a little white lie in a while now don't we? The most common one is "I am fine". Everyone uses that and no one truly cares because no one really wants to know what is wrong with you anyway.

I've been obsessed with lies all my life. My whole life is one big lie. I don't know how this happened, or when things suddenly started to change. It does not even matter, because nothing will change. Nothing will ever change because I can't change. I thought I could, I thought I could make everything better, be honest with everyone I love and that this pain, this horrible aching would simply disappear. The only thing I did was hurt everyone, ruin the one good thing in my life and gave up on everything I have ever known.

The truth here is, I haven't ever hurt someone as much with my lies than I have hurt myself.
For the last couple of months, it's been almost a year, I kept lying to myself that things would get better. That I would beat the odds and beat anorexia. Because I was stronger than this, I was stronger than this part of myself that I once loved more than anything. It was the successful part, the part that could face anything because I kept proving myself that I was worth something. I was convinced that I had lost her, that she was gone and that things would get easier. Not realizing back then that every single thing just got harder and harder and eventually I had to break down.

Well I did. Here I am. Writing a stupid silly blog post again.

At work today I realized that I had been wrong all those months. I had not lost Ana, she had lost me. I had this strong other half, my better half and I just turned my back and abandoned her when things got rough. She had never left me, she was never lost. I was, I have been lost for the last year. I've been so calm today, so extremely calm and.. Numb. Trying to figure everything out, trying to fix the problems and glue my heart back together.

I just simply can't do this without her. I can't hide this part of myself any longer, can't fight these demons inside of me. I can't make things right anymore because nothing feels right without her in my life. I am so incredibly insecure and sad all the time that it does not even matter if she is here or not. I can't tell anyone that I am fucking fine anymore. Because I am not. I am scared, I am terrified of what will happen the upcoming year.

There is just no one left to talk to, there is no one who cares anymore. I've tried believe me. I have tried telling my friends that I was slipping back into old habits, that I kept lying again, stopped eating again. But they keep telling me that I seem happier than I've ever been these last months. Should I really wake them up from their daydream? Should I tell them that maybe things aren't fucking fine?

Can't I just keep lying to myself and everyone else for a couple of more months? Until I've at least secured my spot at Uni? Because I can't fail another year. I can't push myself to work hard enough to make it without Ana, last year I ruined everything I ever fought for because I had been scared to let her in. It ruined everything. I had to move back home, give up my dream of ever becoming a successful lawyer and I had to push Ana away more than I ever had when I was still in therapy.. Because I was scared to succeed, scared to be perfect. Because I know what perfection does to me, it triggers the best and the worst parts of me. Is it alright to lie to everyone if it stops me from completely breaking down?

What if this saves me?

Do a few white lies truly matter? Does it matter that these white lies will completely consume me? Or should I just tell everyone that I have slipped back into old habits and that I am lying?

I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, the difference between a white lie, a black lie and the truth. All I know is that,
I am back bitches.


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