Sunday, 19 August 2012

I don't know what I am doing

with my life anymore.
i don't. I sort of am losing weight without really planning on losing weight. I am just starting my new life again tomorrow after everything just went blank in my head and I panicked and now I am on here writing because frankly this is all i've ever know and all that ever truly comforted me.
My life is just one big mess because well it is.

My sister moved to Florida.
I failed my first year of uni because I just fucked things up by losing weight and getting dragged home before things could go really wrong.
Now I am starting at uni in like two weeks again and I am on here.

I am really really trying to stay away from this page and to just delete this message but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can do this anymore it's just,,, too overwhelming.

She's gone. Ana's gone and I am all alone and I can't handle that and I don't know how to get her back without possibly ruining everything I have right now. Friendships, trust, freedom.

I still want to lose lots and lots of weight and be beautiful and perfect but that's not even the reason anymore. I just need the control back in my life, I need to have the power back into my hands because this just SUCKS.

I can't handle this.

I don't know if I am gonna continue this whole thing or even post it but I need to get it out of my system and.. I can't tell anyone this.
They'll say that I have to get back into therapy, well therapy did not work. I had to go to seven different shrinks and no one could figure me out so I stopped seeing them and figured it out on my own. Not that it really went as I had planned it because now I am on here and having a panic attack.

My head is aching and I want to scream and cut and binge and purge.. I really really just.. Need to get everything out of my system.

My ex just totally just.. He hurt me like I had not thought he would still be able to hurt me. It's been over a year and I should just get my ticket to loserville and forget about him I know. But he just kept kissing me and telling me he loved me but could not get back into a relationship with me and we had sex and everything was STUPID and awkward and I don't know..
so I told him. before he just hopped on the plane to greece. That I loved him. That I loved him with all my heart and if he could just keep that in mind while he was off to enjoy his holiday and guess what he did.
He slept around and fooled around with different girls and I am here. Angry, pissed off. Not sure if I am gonna slap him or kiss him when I see him. Who am I to tell him he can't kiss other girls? I have him my heart and allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do with it. Crush it, do a victory dance on the pieces. Hell I don't know..

Can't I just meet one amazing guy who isn't in any way connected to my brother who makes me fall in love with him so I can just get over M? Is that too much to ask?

Oh. I ran around in public in my underwear this week. With my brothers friends. As a dare. I did not want to but I was not going to let them call me a pussy. Because I am not a pussy. I used to be hardcore. I am still that girl. Sort of. I just lost my edge. I lost Ana. And I don't really know where to find her. I don't know if I can make it without her. All the things I have ever achieved are because well.. She forced me to step up and kick ass.

How am I going to uni without her?

I need her. I really do. I just can't let anyone know and that's why I changed possibly almost everything about my blog hoping that no one will ever find out about this post and that no one will care.

Simple as that.

I don't know what I am doing..
but here goes nothing..


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