Revenge.

I do not usually post two times a day. I can't help but just need to blow off steam and my friends don't understand, won't understand and can't know. They can't know that a part of me is just doing this for revenge.
I am willing to go back to hell, back to the pain and the tears for more reasons than I thought I had.

1) - I am sick and tired of stuffing myself with food to make others happy. I am not happy and I deserve to be happy damned. Lying to myself does not make me feel any better than my eating disorder did, it made me feel worse. Way worse.
2) - I need this to survive. I need something to push me to go through with things I otherwise would never go through with. I need her to push me beyond my limits and eventually I will succeed in whatever I want to do. It's that simple, my eating disorder gives me the confidence that I can do something without failing.
3) - Revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. My parents have been complete asses for the past year and somehow this is the only way I can shock them back into the reality that I can not be perfect. Or that I can be perfect but that I won't do it their way. My friends have been dieting and losing weight and I should be happy for them, but I am not. I hate them for doing this to me. It's unfair in many ways, but it is simply how I work. If I can't lose weight, neither can they.
And last but definitely not least.. I am going to show M. what he has done to me, how much he has hurt me this past year. We broke things off last year in May and since then he kept giving me these hopes and dreams.. He simply kept playing me around, the one moment he pushes me against a wall and kisses me until we are both out of breath, the next moment he will completely neglect me.. Two days later he tells me he loves me and how he can't live without me.. He won't even look at any other girl but does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore, he told me he did not know why he did not want it. But I figured it out these last couple of weeks..

He is ashamed of me. He is ashamed to be seen with me, a thing I knew before because he never wanted to go out on a date or walk hand in hand or simply.. Be with me in public. I just never thought he would LIE to all of his friends because he is ashamed. Embarrassed. Who wants to date the fat sister of his best friend now anyways?
He lied to everyone telling them we never had sex. Which is funny because the guy I dated before him did not want to have sex with me. S. is religious and he wanted to wait until he was married. Three months after we broke things off he shagged his new girlfriend without even having second thoughts. So they shared their stories over coffee, telling how they never ever wanted to have sex with someone as disgusting and fat as I am..

I am gonna fucking prove to him that.. That what? I am too good for him, that I deserve better and can get better.. And that I refuse to be the fat girl in therapy that he did not want to have sex with.

I am sick and tired of his pathetic behavior and he is gonna regret this, he is.

Gosh I am so fucked up.

What's wrong with me?

I used to do this for myself, now I just want to do this to hurt everyone that hurt me. This is not right this is not the way things used to be.. I guess therapy did change me after all now did it not? I know that I should not be doing this to hurt anyone else. I should be doing this for myself and I am, I really am. Note reasons 1 and 2.

I just want to make him feel the pain and disgust I feel when he looks in the mirror. I want to make him hate myself like I hate myself every single time I see my own reflection.

The easiest way to do that is to completely starve myself, to see my bones again.. To make him lift me up while there is no fat left. I want to let him know that he has done this to me. Because he has, he has certainly hurt me so much I simply had to get back to my own comfort zone again because I do not know how to function without it.

I just want to be happy. And if it comes with ruining my ass ex-boyfriend along the way..
It's definitely worth a shot.

Love,
Anna