Family

Family.

I really don't know what to do with this subject but for some reason my family has been taking over my life and dragging me further down.

It is so frustrating how people can think that you are the perfect happy family, while you are the exact opposite of that. My parents don't even talk to each other anymore, they either yell or mock each other. My sister is shipped away to America to chase her dreams and I am so jealous of her because now I have to endure this alone. My brother is not affected by this the way I am.. It tears me apart to see my parents like this.

I don't understand how they are ever, ever going to forgive each other.. How many times can you hurt someone until it's finally enough? How many times can you make up and pretend to forget all that's happened? Because the things that happen here in this house.. No one will ever forget that. I can't forget what happened.

The thing is that i know that by choosing for myself, for choosing to be happy over healthy I am hurting everyone. Eventually I will hurt them and they won't forgive me.. They won't forgive themselves because they will think it's their fault.

Maybe it is.

I feel horrible to even consider this but maybe it is partly their fault. Because everyone is mad at each other, everyone yells at each other.. Everyone hates each other and.. All I am trying to do is make things better, try to make sure that at least I am perfect.. Because I feel like it is all my fault. The reasonable part of my conscious knows that this can't be true. Yet the problem is that it does not change the way I feel. Which results in me trying to be perfect.. The only way I have ever been close to perfection is when I was thinner. Everything was better when I was thinner. My grades were great, my social life spiked. I felt more confident and beautiful than I have ever felt in my life and I was HAPPY. I was, a part of me was happier than I have ever been. Mostly because I had a goal in my life.. I had one care in my life.

All I wanted was to be thin and nothing else mattered.

My dysfunctional family.. Sigh. I don't know if I can do anything to make things better anymore. I don't know if things should ever get better anymore. Maybe things would be better if my parents would finally file their divorce and things would simply be OVER.

Gosh. I am so tired. Still have to move tomorrow.. That is if mum won't abandon me which she wants to do. She wants to leave me hanging because she wants to hurt my dad.
Dysfunctional? Yes.

So tired, gonna catch up on some ZzZzzzZzzZzz's.

Love,