Monday, 4 April 2011
Welcome to hell.
It's been too long. It's been too long without any contact with the only people who understand me, the only people whom I trust. It's been tough. No wait, it's been a downright hell..
From the moment that I told my parents everything, how things were messed up again. I've been in multiple therapy sessions, I've been three different specialists. I had to tell my boyfriend, my friends, everyone the truth. And for what?
I thought that people would stand with me, that people would support me. My family is disgusted of me, they have been pissed off at me, ignoring me, every single day. My mother keeps hurting me, and right now I am at the point where I just can't take it anymore. I am so sick and tired of the hurtful comments "Go stick some fingers down your throat. You disgust me, you're a failure."
I am so sick and tired of them controlling my life, I've lost everything. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I would have the guts to end it all. IF I would have been any braver, I'd be dead by now. Unfortunately I am a big fat coward.
I'd been hoping that my therapy sessions would have some use, that they would make me help understand things. That I'd feel better. They just made me feel worse, they made me realize how much I missed you guys. How much I need you.
Yesterday I stepped on the scale for the first time since my doctors visit. I was shocked, yet pleased at the same time. Shocked, because obviously I gained. Pleased, because it's not that much, because I can control the damage. Because I know I can lose it all, because I know that I am now simply going to keep up the act. As if I am okay.
I am broken inside, I miss the most important piece of me. I've thrown away the one thing that characterizes me. That defines me, something that makes me know who I am, what I want in my life.
My life is now defined by emptiness how am I supposed to hold on to nothing? Something like air, something that slips through my fingertips. Something that I can't even see.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'd been convinced that I had gotten so far that I could go to uni.. Yet today I've proven otherwise. Today I realized that I am still at the start, I haven't moved an inch...
I am so confused. So hurt, if only I had an idea what to do with myself. Give up? My parents will surely notice.. The fuckers, tearing me down and expecting me to get better at the same time..
It's my own fault, but it feels SO unfair because for the first time in my life I've been completely honest with them, and they just punish me for it.
I am so broken, so lost. I am one big mess. I'm giving up on trying, I want to fall again in the dark deep sucking spiral.
I miss the feeling of control, of starvation.
I'm eighteen now, and no one can force me into therapy, or anything else. Yet, I bet that my mother will somehow find a way.. If I can't go to uni I'll be stuck here and I can't handle that another year.. I want to stop crying, and that would mean stop trying. No uni, but that would possibly also result in.. Giving up, on everything.
Because I CAN NOT stay any longer in this HELLHOLE.
I miss you. All of you. Every single one of you. I need you, yet I'm terrified while I am typing this, because maybe all my effort, the struggles and the tears have been all for nothing.. because I feel it, I am falling back into old patterns.
It makes me thrilled, scared, disappointed and proud. I feel so many different things at the same time that most of the time I am too exhausted to even speak.
Maybe they should lock me up forever, maybe I should never see the world again. Maybe I can lay in bed all day if they'd do that. Maybe I can finally have some peace if they'll lock me away, far from evil mothers saying I won't make it, and that she's gonna lock me up for the rest of my life. Worried lovers who beg me not to give up, aggressive brothers who threaten to kill me every single time am full, and simply can't eat any longer.. And exams, which I'll never be able to make with or without food..
I want to be okay. But how do we define "okay"?
maybe I should stop writing.