Weak day

Sometimes you run, and run, and run. We all fall, get up again and run faster towards the finish, towards our goal weight. Trying to eat as less, and burn as many calories and fat during the marathon. But what if you fell down, on your back, and just took a few couple of breaths? Just think for a while, before getting back up and finishing first.

I had a good day eating, honestly.. I am honestly proud. I literally stayed underneath the 200 calories today, I worked, had a long day at school and ran around like a maniac to eventually cuddle up with M. on the couch to watch "The Devil Wears Prada".

But.. I've been feeling horribly weak, I've cried several times today. I have purged several times today and I felt horrible, because nothing came out.. and then I turned on the telly at 7PM, one hour before M. would arrive, and I totally collapsed.

As soon as I turned on the telly, there was gorgeous bulimic girl standing there, crying. Crying how she ruined her life, how she lost everything. Family, friends, education and a job. How she was never going to succeed in lief, how she would never be thin enough.

At the end of the documentary, she had passed away.. May the lovely, strong girl rest in peace.

On the other hand this terrified me. All these horrible thoughts were invading my mind, I could almost feel her pain, I could see myself sitting there, crying and holding on to my thin, fragile body for dear life as I was cursing and refusing the food. Tears streaming down my cheeks.

I could almost feel it, as if I was her. But what IF I will end up like her? Life long in a clinic and therapy, trying to stay alive, and at the same time dying to be thin.

Even though there is a voice whispering in my ear that I want that, there is a feeling tugging at me which honestly upsets me. I am only seventeen years old and my ED has been controlling me for over the years.. And I know it's made me lots happier, prettier, more confident etc etc.

But there were times that my ED turned my life into a hell, my whole world collapsed many many times because of it. I know it's worth it, I know it is. I just want to get rid of the feeling.

And then 'Restriction' had commented on my last blogpost, thank you dearest! somehow those words, and all of the comments all of you had written down calmed me down just in time for someone to notice, or in this case M, that there was something horribly wrong.

You girls make me stronger, you girls make me want to keep at this forever and ever.

I've met so many wonderful people on here, and I can't wait to meet even more.

I've been fasting for the last couple of days until dinner, I eat a few bites and tell everyone I am tired and want to take a shower for myself to relax. They accept, I purge. When they don't, i wait and I purge. Easy as that.

I can't careless about anything but losing weight right now. I don't care that M. thinks I am beautiful.. I think it's sweet, but I can't see it. And this, this whole thing, is about ME.

It's about no one else, I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY. I want to be COMFORTABLE in my OWN skin. I want to look in the mirror and SMILE.

I want to be the girl that walks down the street and make people turn around, while they think that I am the thinnest, most beautiful girl they've ever seen.

Oh well, I better head off to bed, long tiring day tomorrow.. This whole week, I'm absolutely and utterly exhausted and I can't wait for all of it to be over.SOON.

all my love,

Anna