Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Weak day

Sometimes you run, and run, and run. We all fall, get up again and run faster towards the finish, towards our goal weight. Trying to eat as less, and burn as many calories and fat during the marathon. But what if you fell down, on your back, and just took a few couple of breaths? Just think for a while, before getting back up and finishing first.

I had a good day eating, honestly.. I am honestly proud. I literally stayed underneath the 200 calories today, I worked, had a long day at school and ran around like a maniac to eventually cuddle up with M. on the couch to watch "The Devil Wears Prada".

But.. I've been feeling horribly weak, I've cried several times today. I have purged several times today and I felt horrible, because nothing came out.. and then I turned on the telly at 7PM, one hour before M. would arrive, and I totally collapsed.
As soon as I turned on the telly, there was gorgeous bulimic girl standing there, crying. Crying how she ruined her life, how she lost everything. Family, friends, education and a job. How she was never going to succeed in lief, how she would never be thin enough.
At the end of the documentary, she had passed away.. May the lovely, strong girl rest in peace.

On the other hand this terrified me. All these horrible thoughts were invading my mind, I could almost feel her pain, I could see myself sitting there, crying and holding on to my thin, fragile body for dear life as I was cursing and refusing the food. Tears streaming down my cheeks.
I could almost feel it, as if I was her. But what IF I will end up like her? Life long in a clinic and therapy, trying to stay alive, and at the same time dying to be thin.

Even though there is a voice whispering in my ear that I want that, there is a feeling tugging at me which honestly upsets me. I am only seventeen years old and my ED has been controlling me for over the years.. And I know it's made me lots happier, prettier, more confident etc etc.
But there were times that my ED turned my life into a hell, my whole world collapsed many many times because of it. I know it's worth it, I know it is. I just want to get rid of the feeling.

And then 'Restriction' had commented on my last blogpost, thank you dearest! somehow those words, and all of the comments all of you had written down calmed me down just in time for someone to notice, or in this case M, that there was something horribly wrong.
You girls make me stronger, you girls make me want to keep at this forever and ever.
I've met so many wonderful people on here, and I can't wait to meet even more.

I've been fasting for the last couple of days until dinner, I eat a few bites and tell everyone I am tired and want to take a shower for myself to relax. They accept, I purge. When they don't, i wait and I purge. Easy as that.
I can't careless about anything but losing weight right now. I don't care that M. thinks I am beautiful.. I think it's sweet, but I can't see it. And this, this whole thing, is about ME.
It's about no one else, I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY. I want to be COMFORTABLE in my OWN skin. I want to look in the mirror and SMILE.
I want to be the girl that walks down the street and make people turn around, while they think that I am the thinnest, most beautiful girl they've ever seen.

Oh well, I better head off to bed, long tiring day tomorrow.. This whole week, I'm absolutely and utterly exhausted and I can't wait for all of it to be over.SOON.

all my love,



  1. i sometimes wonder how far i'll take it as well but then i remember how much i really do appreciate some factors of my life and how lucky i am, and i remember the feeling i get when i'm so touched by something that it makes me step outside my tortured self and see my life and the world for the promising and happy things they are. our ED will make us beautiful, but remember the other stuff too! you're so strong and can do so much.
    p.s. thank you so much for the comment on my blog it really touched me heart. i'm going to have to avoid email/blogger because the only internet will be on a shared iPad but if i do need someone you'll be the first :)

  2. Its okay darling, i only wish i was as strong as you :( i had a very bad day and from now on i am going to try my very hardest. I feel like i want to fast forever... xx

  3. What documentary was that? Think it may be good to watch. It is scary seeing things like that, how these girls have died from what they're doing. Is it sick that I would be jealous of how thin they are...? :(

    I really hope that you will one day feel happy with yourself, and comfortable with the way you look. Its lovely having a boy who thinks you're gorgeous, but how impossible is it to believe them?!

    Stay strong, you can do it :)

  4. The documentary was made for people who do not have EDs and who are arrogant enough to think that they can understand.
    It never has been JUST about the food or being thin. But since not eating is something that society can "fix" and losing weight makes people jealous, it is what the media focuses on.
    Other people can watch this documentary and think how sad, selfish, fucked up, etc. this bulimic girl was. But you and I know that it was not food that killed her. And it will not be the food that saves us.
    Much love<3

  5. everything in that second to last paragraph is exactly what i'm feeling right now. we're in the same boat :)


  6. I have been thinking the same thing.
    ED documentaries are on tv so ofter lately, it makes me wonder. I fear that one day everything will be destroyed, that keeping myself thin will be the only thing I could manage and then I would have voluntarily destroyed myself, my life.

    Or maybe these are just some "down" moments, I honestly don't know.
    Stay focused dear, but try to make the most of life. I'm trying with no good results -yet.

    Enjoy the Black Swan. It will blow you away, I'm sure. :D