Once upon a time there was a girl with an eating disorder trying to find a balance between the good and the bad. She has to deal with the evil demons inside her head, dragons roaring in her stomach, dwarves, giants, fairies and tons of guys pretending to be the knight in shiny armor.
Sunday, 9 January 2011
It's a long shot, but I say why not, If I say forget it, I know that I'll regret it It's a long shot just to beat these odds, The chance is we won't make it But I know if I don't take it, there's no chance.
It's a long shot that I can hold onto this before my parents find out. It's a huge risk I am taking to keep on going, I know that they will put me into Ursula (ED clinic) as soon as they find out something. Or at least back into therapy. And the chances that they'll get onto me are getting bigger and bigger.
My brother saw that I'd been on your blogs, he'd seen the titles, the photos and he told me, if he notices that something is going on.. If I am losing again, weighing myself, not eating, or looking or blogging once more. He'll tell my parents everything.
I know that he does these things because he cares, but he doesn't understand that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's also the reason why I haven't been able to blog anymore, he was back home for two weeks and of course he has to get all suspicious. Glad he's back in Amsterdam.
I met M. his parents yesterday. It seemed that he didn't even tell them that we were together. It really hurt if I may be blunt enough to say this. He's never told them a thing, only that he would be with my family. I don't even think that they'd ever heard of me if it weren't for my brother. Is he ashamed of me? Am I too fat to meet his parents? I didn't eat without barfing for two days just so I could be as thin as possible.
Ah well, at least they approve and they like me. They told him that they thought that I was already way better and sweeter than his last girlfriend, whom he's been together with for two years. So that's a good thing.
Later that night I went into town with some of my friends to celebrate a colleague her birthday. And then I snapped. I don't know if it was because I was so relieved that they approved, the disappointment and the horrible feeling of shame that he didn't even mention me or the, forgive me world, twelve tequila shots. But I binged. and I couldn't get it out of me, because this sweet sweet little angel of a girl was too drunk to even stay on her feet, so we helped her outside where I lit a cig, before suddenly she started barfing. We held back her hair and made sure someone would take her home, but I was too upset with myself to care all that much.. I fell asleep all drunk on the couch at 5 in the morning, M. and my brother were still up talking, smoking cigarettes and listening to music when i walked in all waisted.
I've totally embarrassed myself, and I'm at the point that I don't even care anymore, because all I want to do is lose weight, and if I have to embarrass myself to get there, well fúck it.
I want to beat the odds, I want to get rid of that stupid plateau, I want to be thin and perfect before everyone is wearing skirts and dresses again, so that for once I can be the pretty one. For myself, to just feel GOOD for once. I remember writing a few weeks, maybe a month ago that I could look in the mirror and smile.
Well that has already vanished, I am nearly not as thin as I want to be, I am still a bloated cow.
Going to watch Black Swan later today, have been wanting to see that one for ages. I love ballet.. I loved it with all my heart. I can remember wearing my tutu when I was a kid, at home. Dancing around and smiling.
It was all I wanted to do in my life, it was all I had ever wanted, to perform in front of a crowd, to be perfect really. Because even back then when I was eight years old I associated perfection with being thin and beautiful. Like a professional ballet dancer.
The day that they invited me for an audition for the ballet school in my area was amazing.. And as I had gotten in things were even better. I was one of the youngest to audition and I made it.. I thought that the first words of the story of my life had been written down.
And then, they told me that I needed to lose weight.
Those were the first words, the most important words of my life.
"You need to lose weight"
All my love,
P.s. My parents never approved of the school ever since, so I had decided that pleasing my parents would be more important than dancing.
I think it was a great decision, because I know that the ED would have killed me already if that would have been the case.