Because I coulsn't seem to find time to blog, I'll copy an email I sent to Blake from (http://anas-arms.blogspot.com/ - Go check her blog out she's absolutely AMAZING), and I will write a qucik update on something that happened today..
Tuesday 11-01-2011
Heya love,
Just a quick update. So my health has been fucking around with me lately, from a hoarse throat to migraine I've been feeling horrible for days. I thought I had beaten the evil plateau a few days ago, but today I stepped on the scale and I was back on it right away, my life hates me.
On the other hand, I've been working out lately and everyone's saying that I look thinner so that's a good thing. :) Have been studying my ass off because this VERY important test week is coming up, I surely can't fuck this one up so I have been busy like crazy. Have you seen Black swan btw? It's supposed to be very thinspiring!!
Haven't been able to see it yet but I'll have a calm and relaxing day tomorrow so it's okay. Maybe I can watch it tomorrow after I got my hair cut. :)
Had a horrible test today which I surely fucked up, so M. and my mum thought that making it worse could be fun to start about the ballet thing that was going on. They accepted me for this balletschool when I was younger, but they said I had to go on a diet. 'She's too fat'. Most important words of my life really, anyway, eventually they both agreed on that it was better that I gave up on dancing...
And why? Because they're convinced that A) I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure and B) they're both convinced that I am very sensitive to EATING DISORDERS.
I nearly cried and told them everything because I've been feeling so incredibly shit lately.
And just as I am writing this email things got worse.
My supposed to be best friend just fucking made a fool out of me, out of everyone who is suffering from an eating disorder on twitter. She made a stupid joke, the quote from skins? Not sure if you know it? Cassie the anorexic girl says it whens he found out that her date got cancelled. "I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely".
She knows how much i hang on to that quote. Oh fuck I am crying. Wait. Ok, parents are sitting opposite me have, to, stay, calm.
Ok. She knows I am fucking reading her tweets, she's been bitching at me all day because I didn't tell her RIGHT the moment I knew it that I would go to this stupid prom thing of hers. Well, I am sorry that I don't like wrapping my body in stupid dresses so everyone can make fun of me and see how FAT I am.
It's not my fault that when I see that everyone is thinner than me I want to kill myself.
Sometimes I wish that I could be stuck in a clinic you know? It would be so inspiring to be around all those thin girls, and I would be locked up. There would be NO temptation AT ALL because you only get fed like what, three times a day? And as long as you don't GAIN you won't go back out there. When you lose, you'll be prettier every day.
Everyone will understand you.
Maybe I should just tell my mum give up on everything and be stuck in there with people who at least have RESPECT.
Sigh.
Rant again :) I am sorry it's been a tough few days.
Love, xx
----
Hey my dearest followers.
I've never felt this much of a failure before. I ate McDonalds, a friend of mine invited me with him to stuff ourselves in stead of going to French class. And I joined him. and as soon as I got back at school I ran to my next class, threw my bags on the floor and ran to the toilet.
I ate, and barfed during school time. I barfed at school, someone heard me, I know that. I heard someone open the door and leave. I ran for it and hid myself outside with a fag, but I am terrified.
I feel horribly lonely, I cry every few hours. I'm exhausted, I can't handle being this weak. As soon as I give in, I turn into a fucking weak.. monster. And Ana has punished me in so many ways. and my body has punished me as well.
I can't care about anything right now. Not anymore. I've given up on everything but Ana.
Love,
It's okay hun, I'm going to respond to your email in just a few minutes, but I'm having some problems with friends as well.. The knowing looks are starting to get to me.. We'll be okay hun. We'll be just fine.
ReplyDeletestay strong hun!! just think about this: "everything is going to be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end."
ReplyDeleteyou can hang onto your cassie quote with one hand and this one with the other, and they'll hold you above all the bullshit :)
you should shoot me an email, btw, i'd love to talk just you and me :D lettersfromana@live.com
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
HUG
ReplyDeleteBeing that low is awful. Theres a line from a song that describes it for me perfectly "Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel, or just the train?" Because when we get to that low point it's like even when we find some sort of hope it turns out to be another obstacle that we can't seem to get through.
But you can make it. You can make it.
Much love
~Tiernay~
if i could i would rush and tackle you down with a hug right now, it will be alright, xo
ReplyDelete