Monday, 13 December 2010
Worst Weekend Ever
Ladies you're damn right, you can't read a man's mind,
we're living in two tribes, are heading for war,
Nobody's perfect, we all gotta work it, so it better be worth it.
My weekend has absolutely turned me into a numb zombie, I am not allowing myself to feel a thing anymore. I am now comfortably numb, nothing is going to make me change the way I feel, I dig it this way.
I dig the high I get from feeling this way, there's nothing. No hunger, no pain. No happiness either but life keeps screwing me over and over again. Happiness is something I've only met a few times, at random moments and the rest of my life has been a struggle.
Friday was the day that I felt great, beautiful, thin, amazing. I woke up to your comments which made me smile, my mom and I were about to go Christmas-tree shopping. That's the moment that M. offered to help us out, since I am not allowed to carry a thing, and mum is not the strongest woman on earth either.
I'd been looking forward to it all day, quite nervously as I was afraid that he was going to back out. In stead, he was being perfect. Every single second that I've spent with him on Friday were the minutes that made my day, and if the happiness had lasted all weekend, it would have made my month.
He made me sit down in the trolly, and pushed me around. We've been racing around like little children, but I had so much fun. He was funny, helpful, he kept giving me compliments all day long.
I know for sure that at that moment, I had never fallen so hard in my life before.
Saturday night I decided to confront him with the, thing, that was going on between the two of us. So after a couple of shots, I somehow found the courage to ask him what he wanted with the thing that was going on, the thing, since obviously we had no clue what the thing was. Friends? Friends with benefits? Lovers?
Well I know now. And it wasn't even a surprise that he rejected me.
Who wants someone like me? Someone as fat as I am.. If only I would have been thinner, if only I would have been prettier I would be the happiest girl in the world right now.
But of course nothing like this will happen, not to me. I had promised you that I was going to punish myself, I had promised Ana that if I was going to fail again, there would be a punishment awaiting.
And I will never break a promise I've made, never.
So I punished myself yesterday, after my first day back at work, I came home and had a long hot bath, where I had considered the punishment. The puking until I couldn't stop anymore on Saturday didn't count, that was needed. That was the punishment I deserved for kicking myself out of my perfect little fantasy, for letting reality break my heart.
No, my punishment was not as painful, but surely it had the same outcome: pain.
Pain that for a moment, drew out the heartache that makes me cry, ever single time I think or and see of him.
I poured boiling water over my fat legs and the hand that he held as he told me that he, at this point in his life, he doesn't want a relationship in his life.
My sister and my mum heard me curse, and helped me out. Too bad, I would have loved it if it would scar, unfortunately the crap my mother put on it has made the skin recover fast, faster than I could have expected. The red, aggressive color has faded, and the skin is just wrinkled at the moment.
I couldn't force myself to go to school today, unfortunately my parents could. I went for two hours and told them that the other teachers had all fallen sick, I don't think that they believed me, but on the other hand, who are they to doubt me? My school sucks, everyone knows that.
Sorry I couldn't force myself to post earlier, but I can announce that I lost another 2kg!! That means I don't have to buy them pills, on the other hand.. I think I will, eventually. Not now, my mum is still checking up on me every once in a while, weighing me and checking all my favorite places to hide things.
Ah well, hopefully you lovelies are feeling much better,