Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Stand up

I pull my sleeves up, wrap my hair up,There's no sign on the road, so I'll never stop.Can you catch me?

It feels so good to just go, go, go and GO. I am never going to stop losing, I am not. I know I am not, until someone will somehow force me to, and as soon as I turn eighteen, which is only 3 months away, no one can stop me. My mother noticed that I've lost weight. I loved it.
I laughed it off, and told her I was wearing these jeans I hadn't been wearing in a while (fact) and that it was probably that. But, in fact, I am losing again.
I think the few days of just living in stead of living Ana have helped me lose now I keep fasting during day time, and only eat dinner.

I am so happy with the way my life is starting to turn out, I am so happy with the person I am starting to be, I am starting to get more stable. Which is a good thing, i am a massive control freak and being instability is something that terrifies me.

I looked in the mirror today and I smiled, I smiled at myself because the big fat girl I used to be has disappeared. I am 101.4 lbs right now, and I used to be 127.8 lbs last year. Which means, that I've lost over 10 kilograms, not to mention that I had a HUGE time "off" where I was in therapy. My parents controlling me, forcing me to eat and not being able to work out for ALMOST a whole year, I don't think that I even know what a real workout is. First I started off with the mono, and the back and neck aches started after that.
Can't believe that so much stress as last school year caused me can ruin your body like this.. Though it was definitely worth it!! Exams this year - so excited and terrified at the same time.

Things with M are starting to get better again, we had a few good talks. It's amazing how good things are at the moment, I hadn't expected this at all. It all came down to what I want, am I willing to wait a few weeks until he's ready for a relationship, or do I want to move on?
The choice had never been easier.
I had a talk with M. where I told him that I was afraid that if we'd wait too long, the whole first falling in love thing would be all over, but he told me that he wouldn't let me slip away. He's worried though, he agrees with mum that I am losing weight and he KNOWS that I hate my body, in every single way possible..
I nearly told him about my ED today, just because today was a day you usually see in fairy tales. We fooled around in the snow, which caused us to get both soaked. So we warmed up on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate, and then we cuddled up for a good two hours. He told me he never met anyone "this beautiful". In my head I was thinking, how much will he like me when I am thinner, when I will look even better?
He's so worth the wait, and so worth the lose.

Going to a musical tonight at school, based on "We Will Rock You" which is possibly my favorite musical of all times, I absolutely love Queen. :) Can't wait!

Better start getting ready,

I love you all,



  1. This is such a positive post and i am glad that you're feeling good these days :) It's motivating, it feels good to read that.
    Hope things will remain this :)
    Good luck with M and i hope your mom won't be to strict and make you eat.
    Best wishes :)

  2. you are beautiful, you never fail to make me smile and I'll continue to read your blog regardless of how long I'm away xxxx <3

  3. so happy everything is going so well!! what do you mean by so worth the lose?

  4. Wow, I'm so pleased for you!! :D
    Achh I wish I was loosing. Quicker at least :/
    but I'm happy for you, life's coming together! :) M reminds me of Skei... (in my blog XD) they know somethings going on but dont know how to stop it. or react.
    maybe if you feel hes trust worthy, you could tell him? but only if you want to and when you're ready :) sometimes its nice to talk to someone in person about it.

    I hope you stay this happy! :D

  5. i was so glad to read this hun :) the part about you smiling when you looked in the mirror was the best! hope there are many more days like that to come

  6. This post made me smile with happiness. You sound so positive, happy and it you sounds like you're enjoying life. Hearing that you're happy has made me happy and i look like such an idiot smiling foolishly behind this screen as I type.
    You deserve this happiness.
    Love Anafly

  7. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! so glad you can make a happy post too!


  8. aw this post made me smile, your comment made me smile too. you are a wonderful person do you know that?
    you deserve happiness and now that you've found it, keep it this way!

  9. Well done but keep safe missy. I hope your enjoy the show tonight, I love shows :) and thank you for your kind comments on my blog. Much Love xx