Wednesday, 8 December 2010


The affections are like lightning: you cannot tell where they will strike till they have fallen.

You know when you firstly realize that you have fallen in love? The shock goes through you like you've been struck by lightning. Your heart gets electrocuted. Every time you touch each other, or look the person straight into his/her eyes you feel like there's electricity going through your body.

But what if for some other reason electricity is going through your body? Yeah that means you are screwed. Guess who was the lucky patient today! Yes, me. I was honestly hating every second of the electrocution my physiotherapist decided to give me at 8AM. Electro-therapy, HA. cheers.
On the other hand, it ought to help, so hopefully we'll see results soon. That's why I let the woman torture me over and over again, just to make sure I can do whatever I want, any time soon.

We had this debate course today. I had to defend the thesis "All anorexia related sites should be banned from the internet". You should have seen my face, I could come up with a million reasons why they shouldn't, and then they let me defend the bloody thing! So I decided to simply come up with all the things I absolutely love about the whole online ana-community. I claimed that all these reasons, the support, the tips & tricks, the thinspiration, how dangerous all of it was. I even told them how easily you get wrapped into Ana her comforting, loving, but firm grip.
The course was given by the Dutch Champion, and he told me I was a rock star, and he had never seen anyone as passionate about this thesis as I had been today.
When we had our lunch break he asked if I would join them, since I was playing with my phone. I told him I had a big breakfast, and smoked a dozen of fags.
Wonder what my classmates will think of me, they must realize things soon enough.. Right? They can't be that stupid.. Or wait. Yes, they can be..
They're plain idiots.

Oh! I nearly forgot. I attended my first Champions League game last night! Twente - Tottenham Hotspurs - IT WAS AMAZING. It was freezing so my body was struggling to keep me at least from shivering, an absolute thrill since it seems that it burns off calories. Together with the singing, jumping and laughing with my sister I had an amazing night, a night where I didn't sat at home counting calories, nice for a change!!

Things with M. are the same old same old. Nothing's really changing and a part of me is already backing out of it without it even REALLY starting, because the whole not knowing what's going to happen, the whole waiting for him, it's terrifying me. What if he suddenly changes his mind? What if he is just using me? What if he's not waiting until he's ready for a new relationship, but waiting for her to want him back?
Guys suck, and overall I had a very good day. Calorie intake so far is 400, but knowing that my parents will possibly want me to eat something later on the night when we all drink coffee and smoke cigarettes.. I reckon I will end up at the 470+.
Because if I only suggest something like fruit, my mum will kick my ass up to the scale.

I lost one kilogram, not much, but it's something considering I am not allowed to exercise at all. No walking up some stairs, nothing. So all I do is eat, sit on my ass and moan about my pain.
Because honestly, it's not only painful anymore, it's annoying, it's pissing me OFF. Why can't my back just be normal for once?
Since I feel horribly optimistic, I've decided to show you some progress, and my lovely back which is all colorful because of the tape.
I know that it's not perfect, but I see it as "not perfect yet".
More positive, more lovely to be around with. Thank god, M. is coming over to watch footie with my brother and I don't want to look like the whorefromhell at all times.

I LOVE your comments, I love you guys, if there's anything you want to know, or anything you feel like saying, even though it's criticism please do say/ask me something.
I love interacting with you lot.
You're amazing!!

Love, x


  1. thank you for your kind comments and for always being there for me love, i really appreciate it and just want you to know that.

    also, wow, you look amazing.

    all my love, xo

  2. You look great! You're gonna be healed in no time love! =)

  3. congrats on the 1 kilo lost! are you kidding me? it IS loss, especially since you don't work out at all.
    your back looks very.. artistic though :)
    get well soon!

  4. you're lookin good doll. be strong ♥

  5. I'm really jealous ;)
    You look soo good :)
    Stay strong and happy <3
    I hope you will be able to exercise again soon,
    but don't worry, you look great (:

  6. so jealous - you look lovely!! pretty close to perfect i reckon :) x

  7. hey :) ive suffered w ed for 10 years.. now im happy, having a blast and staying positive and focusing on that.. and still stay thin
    follow me please <3