Monday, 6 December 2010


It's written on my face, I know you see it in my eyes. I do you tell someone who loves you, what's gonna hurt? I don't wanna hurt.

I'm the biggest, fattest hypocrite that walks around on this earth. It disgusts me, but it's a part of my cover, at least that's what I keep saying to myself. I know that people are starting to get on to me. All I ever consume at school is diet coke, not counting the cigarettes I try to smoke often enough. At home, I tell them that I ate at school, and everyone pretends to believe me.

But why is it, that when we're debating about pro-ana sites, that I feel glares boring holes into my skull? And why is it that as soon as people mention weightloss, they look at me?
This is a compliment, and for a moment I am always smug with myself. But today reality hit me hard, what if people are on to me? What if they know I purge as often as I can? What if they know that I am strong enough to maintain from food as long as I can, before my parents literally force me to eat?
What if anyone finds out.

Things with M. are also getting more complicated, yesterday while we were making out he insisted on seeing and touching my stomach. He's way stronger than me, and I couldn't stop him. I nearly cried in his arms, while all he could was whisper that 'things were not that bad', and the biggest lie ever 'you're absolutely beautiful'.
It just aches, it aches so much that I can't believe him, it aches so much that I know that even if this will work out, I will never feel good enough for him. I will never be able to pull off my top. In my previous relationship I kept lying to myself that S. loved me no matter what, but why is it that every single time things heated up, that he stopped me. It can't be because he's religious, what he kept telling me. Did I tell you that he even blamed me for ANY little thing that happened? While he had been the one wanting things to happen more than I did?
S. has already have been shagging his new girlfriend in public places if I may believe the rumors.. So that means that he was too disgusted to have sex with me, I would be too disgusted to have sex with me as well, I can't blame him. Surely, I can say, that this may have been the one thing that has made me crawl more into Ana her arms. Every time I see a cute guy, or when I kiss M, this just keeps popping up into my mind and it.. It makes me want to hide, to run away.

At the same time, if things will not work out with M., I will not be able to promise anyone that I can be okay after that. He's the only company I have, at school, in class.. he's the only friend I see after school and during the weekends..
If this is not going to work out, I will punish myself until I wont be able to walk, breathe or eat for days.. That's a promise.

Things with M.. Have been amazing, since we've met there has been this whole amazing connection. Though when I dream I know better than to include the both of us, since he isn't ready for a relationship yet. He understands why I never tell jokes, he understands why I am not always happy, though he doesn't know the facts, he understands that there is this thing that just tears me down every once in a while.
He also tells me "What's another day" when it comes down to us. Well, in 6 months we're both moving to other parts of the country, I am not going to date someone after 5 months waiting if he's gonna move to the other side of this stupid shit country after one month.

On the other hand, I am being a big hypocrite again to just go along with things. To not say a thing, not tell him how I feel. How much it hurts when he says that he's not ready yet, or when he mentions his ex. He doesn't understand that it literally tore me apart when he told me that he said I looked 'healthy'. That I am 'average'. I don't want to be 'healthy' and I don't want to be 'average'. I have been struggling for so long now.. So long and he just calls me average. Cried myself to sleep last night.

Well I am not going to depress anyone else with this lame post, and it's time to go to bed anyways. The pain my back is causing me has made me vomit twice today, and right now I am seeing flashes, so that means bed bed bed.
Tomorrow will be a brighter day!

Love, x


  1. Oh my goodness :( I wish i could give you a huge cuddle right now!! Your going through so much Please try to trust M when he sayd you are beautiful, because that i what he sees when he looks at you :) Don't deny him that :) Take things as they are for the moment with him, and maybe in the near future, he will be ready, and so will you, just please believe in yourself. Forget your ex having sex with this other girl, he does not deserve your thoughts! stay strong xx

  2. hun :( i know exactly how you feel about not feeling good enough...i refuse to believe that guys could find me attractive, even if it's just a random meeting in a club. i always shy away because i can't believe it's true. it sounds like the problem between you and S was with S, not you. he just doesn't sound like a nice guy and i'm sorry he treated you so awfully and has made you feel this way. but M sounds great and i'm sure in time you'll be able to open up to him.
    stay strong hun xx

  3. oh love. i don't know what to say, i'm so sorry. i want to reach out and hug you so tight, and we could just cry and cry, and then laugh, and watch comedies.

    loveyou, xo

  4. :( it's hard but you need to try and trust M; you ARE beautiful. and fuck S, who cares if he's hooking up with some other girl, he wasn't right for you anyway.

    drink some green tea and soak away your troubles in a steamy bath/shower, the sauna effect is lovely.

    stay strong, lovely.

    <3 Ali

  5. Just found your blog. Hun I'm so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. Like everyone else, I wish I could give you a hug. I have the SAME issue with my stomach especially! My guy thinks I'm just really ticklish because I can't help cringing and jerking away every time he touches me where I feel I may be fat.I h

    I don't know quite what to say to make you feel better, other than I hope you do soon.

  6. hey, it's Nikki, just wanted to let you know i'm doing okay, i don't have your email or anything so this is the only way i know to contact you... thanks for your concern, i'm really glad somebody cares. that everyone who posted comments cares.


  7. HUG!!!!!!!Honey... just know you aren't alone. I don't know if it will be ok. I hope it will. You are not average. You are strong enough to live this life everyday and THAT thats not average at all.

  8. my ex boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me either for "religious reasons." he'd get so mad at me. fucked me up too.