Monday, 6 December 2010
It's written on my face, I know you see it in my eyes. I do you tell someone who loves you, what's gonna hurt? I don't wanna hurt.
I'm the biggest, fattest hypocrite that walks around on this earth. It disgusts me, but it's a part of my cover, at least that's what I keep saying to myself. I know that people are starting to get on to me. All I ever consume at school is diet coke, not counting the cigarettes I try to smoke often enough. At home, I tell them that I ate at school, and everyone pretends to believe me.
But why is it, that when we're debating about pro-ana sites, that I feel glares boring holes into my skull? And why is it that as soon as people mention weightloss, they look at me?
This is a compliment, and for a moment I am always smug with myself. But today reality hit me hard, what if people are on to me? What if they know I purge as often as I can? What if they know that I am strong enough to maintain from food as long as I can, before my parents literally force me to eat?
What if anyone finds out.
Things with M. are also getting more complicated, yesterday while we were making out he insisted on seeing and touching my stomach. He's way stronger than me, and I couldn't stop him. I nearly cried in his arms, while all he could was whisper that 'things were not that bad', and the biggest lie ever 'you're absolutely beautiful'.
It just aches, it aches so much that I can't believe him, it aches so much that I know that even if this will work out, I will never feel good enough for him. I will never be able to pull off my top. In my previous relationship I kept lying to myself that S. loved me no matter what, but why is it that every single time things heated up, that he stopped me. It can't be because he's religious, what he kept telling me. Did I tell you that he even blamed me for ANY little thing that happened? While he had been the one wanting things to happen more than I did?
S. has already have been shagging his new girlfriend in public places if I may believe the rumors.. So that means that he was too disgusted to have sex with me, I would be too disgusted to have sex with me as well, I can't blame him. Surely, I can say, that this may have been the one thing that has made me crawl more into Ana her arms. Every time I see a cute guy, or when I kiss M, this just keeps popping up into my mind and it.. It makes me want to hide, to run away.
At the same time, if things will not work out with M., I will not be able to promise anyone that I can be okay after that. He's the only company I have, at school, in class.. he's the only friend I see after school and during the weekends..
If this is not going to work out, I will punish myself until I wont be able to walk, breathe or eat for days.. That's a promise.
Things with M.. Have been amazing, since we've met there has been this whole amazing connection. Though when I dream I know better than to include the both of us, since he isn't ready for a relationship yet. He understands why I never tell jokes, he understands why I am not always happy, though he doesn't know the facts, he understands that there is this thing that just tears me down every once in a while.
He also tells me "What's another day" when it comes down to us. Well, in 6 months we're both moving to other parts of the country, I am not going to date someone after 5 months waiting if he's gonna move to the other side of this stupid shit country after one month.
On the other hand, I am being a big hypocrite again to just go along with things. To not say a thing, not tell him how I feel. How much it hurts when he says that he's not ready yet, or when he mentions his ex. He doesn't understand that it literally tore me apart when he told me that he said I looked 'healthy'. That I am 'average'. I don't want to be 'healthy' and I don't want to be 'average'. I have been struggling for so long now.. So long and he just calls me average. Cried myself to sleep last night.
Well I am not going to depress anyone else with this lame post, and it's time to go to bed anyways. The pain my back is causing me has made me vomit twice today, and right now I am seeing flashes, so that means bed bed bed.
Tomorrow will be a brighter day!