Saturday, 4 December 2010


Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.

So eventually I want to sort of apologize for making you lot worry, I just needed to be honest for once. I had to get rid of all those negative thoughts and my blog is the one way I can express myself, so it was an easy choice to either write it down, or do something stupid.

So what's been happening in my life that's made me feel this horrible..
Wednesday was the most horrible day of the week, by far, yet every day has been horrible for the last couple of weeks. But Wednesday was the last straw that broke the camel's back. And yes, I mean this literally. Broke.The.Camel's.Back.

It all started a few months ago, as some of you may have read my back has been my Achilles' heel for the last couple of years. It all started with a reaction to both my mono and all the stress I had from having to struggle to pass last year. My mono had completely ruined everything. I slept for fourteen hours a day. I went to one class a day, and could only work four hours a week. Go figure, I had loads of time to study, and passing shouldn't have been a problem.. But the hours that I didn't lay in bed resting, I couldn't focus. Studying was something that was not possible for me, I could try and read through my books, but as I did I was not even realizing what the chapter was about, I didn't understand what some of the words meant, it was so upsetting..
The last 4, maybe 5 weeks of school I had to somehow get rid of all my D's and C's and I managed to pass my year with one C, but yet the stress caused stress symptoms.

Those stress symptoms were located in my back, neck and caused migraine attacks. I've been visiting doctors, specialists and my physiotherapist since the start of the summer, and a month ago the symptoms had been cured.

On Wednesday I lifted up a box, and the next thing I remember was laying on the floor, crying, in the shop. My spine is seriously injured this time and I am not allowed to do a thing. Technically, my spine is now not shaped like an "I" anymore, but like an "S". So the physiotherapist is earning her money by pushing my spain back straight. Believe me, it take sthe word "pain" to a whole new level.

I am sitting here, feeling so sad, crying, in so much pain. I am not allowed to do a thing until at least Wednesday, my boss isn't too pleased and I am SO angry. I can't even bend down to grab my keys when I've dropped them. It's so frustrating knowing that there are only a few more days until Christmas, and I can't exercise at all. How will I ever look pretty on those photos? How can I ever face myself if I haven't lost those kilograms.

To make things worse, I felt horrible yesterday. Absolutely, horrible. I had been crying and weak all morning, then, the rest of the day I had friends over. And I binged. All day long, except for during dinner since I was already too full from the popcorn and snacks I had stuffed myself with. To make up for it I have been liquid fasting all day, but will it be enough to stop myself from gaining? I am not too sure and too much of a coward to weigh myself in all fairness.

Things with M are so confusing, things were awkward for days, and yesterday we kissed. Now today we've been texting a few times, but still, it turned to be awkward all over again. It's so upsetting not to know what's going on, especially because of my ED. I am a control freak, I need to know what's going on, I need to be able to control what's happening, or at least know where I am standing in life. And right now, things are simply shit.

I know things will get better soon, thanks everyone for your unconditional love and support.
You make my day, everyday.

Love, xx


  1. oh love, i'm so sorry about everything, really.
    i wish i could make it better, damnit!

    love, helen

  2. :( I wish I could help. Even if I could I don't know how I would cross the ocean to help you. So just know I am here. You have my full support. You are an inspiration truly. To be going through all that and still being focused. HUG I hope things get better for you darlin.
    Much love, stay strong,

  3. I'm so sorry to hear all this.. maybe you should try something to cheer you up, at least until Wednesday and then see how it goes. I hope everything to be okay, I really do :)
    oh, and as for the "what's in my bag" post I would be more than happy if you do one too! and when you do please leave a link with it on my last post so that I won't miss it*
    stay strong (I really mean it, not only with the food intake). I am here for you :)

  4. i'm so sorry about everything that's happening..that you're in so much pain. i wish i could teleport to where you are and help you make it better! stay strong x