Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Whirlwind of thoughts.

Maybe we like the pain. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Ever had the feeling that you're waiting at this huge train station, seeing people passing by, trains passing by and you just can't get on it?
Yes? No? I haven't.

All my life I have been sitting in one of those trains. A train that's going too fast, so fast that it scares the fĂșck out of you. It's crowded but no one seems to notice you or either no one seems to care. You're screaming, begging for it to stop while the salty tears stream down your face, making your cheeks burn in pain. Your eyes are swollen up and red, the mascara that you carefully to put on earlier that morning as a mask, has found it's way down to your chin.
Your heart is racing, hands are sweaty but it just goes on, and on, and on.

If there is one thing I've learnt over the past couple of years, is that life simply goes on. It doesn't matter what happens, someone dies, someone breaks your heart, someone physically and mentally abuses you, someone abandons you, it all doesn't matter.
Life goes on, the train will never stop, it will never slow down. You're stuck and you're too terrified to jump off.
What if no one will be there to catch you when you fall? Maybe you have to catch yourself, or maybe you have to take the risk and break your bones. Time will heal your wounds eventually, the broken hearts and bones will slowly grow back together, mending itself.
Scars will fade away, and everyone says that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

But what if you can't take it anymore? What if you can't take a breath without feeling a deep sharp pain, what if there is a hole somewhere in your body, where the edges have been burnt off over a period of time. What will happen? Does it mean that you will suffer from the pain, every single second of the day? Will you eventually break into a million of pieces, will the pain eventually kill you, or drive you insane until you'll do it yourself?

Failing is not giving up, it's trying so hard without any success, it doesn't mean that you are not doing the best you can, it's meaning that maybe, at this time, this point in your life, that there is nothing more you can do. Success tastes sweet, but mostly success is only temporary. The red wire that's going through your life will have his lows and highs, but the highs are only peaks, and the lows are usually big canyons.

What if you don't have the material, or if you're too tired to get back up. To climb back up the canyon, to climb back up and reach the top? What if you try, but once you're halfway, you fall. You fall hard, and what if you can't catch yourself anymore, what if you have tried a hundredth times, and the hundredth-and-one time you fall?

Is it possible that because you've been so focused on climbing back up, you have missed the thrill the falling gives? Is it possible that because you have been too focused to notice that there might be this person, waiting for you down in the canyon with a hug, comforting words? The words that will give you this immense strength, the strength that will make you fly to the top?
And where do you find this person? Is it someone that's always been there, but youve failed to notice? Or is it someone that has climbed all the way down, just to catch you?

What if someone just peels off all the layers of your once thick and immense mask? What if someone is starting to know you better than you know yourself? What if this person is the person you keep dreaming of? Does it mean that fairy tales do exist?
Or that you've never have been able to kill the little lightbulb of hope deep down inside of you?

I'm confused, weak, broken, falling down the canyon because I tried jumping off the train, I am broken, crying, screaming. My handpalms are still sweaty, my breathing uneven, the pain is immense. I am aching for the comfort, for the hugs, but my lungs are burning and no words are leaving my lips. I am too scared to talk, but too weak to shut up.

Is there a way to just quit life without committing suicide? To give everyone the big finger and to lay down, sleep, and never wake up, without intentionally hurt the few people that are still there to care?

Life is one big mess and at this point, I am falling down the canyon.




  1. Oh my goodness, whats wrong?:( You sound in such distress, you sound like me. Which is scary. We are both in this huge canyon, with no light left. But maybe? If we fight together we can reach this peak and stay there? Right now...there might be no light left..but if your not alone..theres always a little hope, right? xx

  2. Oh darling, please please PLEASE stay in there; if not for yourself then for us. Life may seem pointless at times but it isn't. Life is there to enrich other peoples lives as well as your own. Every time you blog you enrich all our lives. We love you.
    Stay strong

  3. Oh darling, what's wrong? You sound so incredibly sad. But you have us sweetie, we can help and get you to the top of that canyon, we'll be there. There's always hope, always a little bit of hope.

  4. Hey honey, I hope you're doing okay. Please email me and let me know how things are going for you. I'm worried.

    Much loves


  5. oh love, this is the part i hate. the part that i am so far away i cannot be there and help you right now. it will get better.
    i love you (it's helen - new blog)

  6. please, please don't do anything drastic. we all get to that point in our lives that we just can't fucking take it anymore, that everything feels too much. but the thing is, if you wait, if you try to see the little joys in life and hang onto them, you'll build yourself a web out of them and climb right out of that canyon. and you'll be so, so glad you did.

    stay strong. stick around. don't give up your future. there is better than this.