Sunday, 26 December 2010
Late Merry Christmas everyone,
I've failed over and over again in my life, and that's why I will succeed.
The holidays always get me down, those are the days where I have to eat, and when I don't, everyone will yell at me. Insult me, hurt me.
Right now, at this point, I am more afraid of my parents putting me back into therapy than getting fat.
Being fat is the same as not being there. No one notices you, no one cares, no one loves you. The whole world is based around perfection, being the best, and when you're fat...
You're weak, pathetic, you'll have to get a grip on yourself.
And that's what we're doing.
Why I am not afraid of getting fat at this point? Even though it's my biggest fear.. It's always been my biggest fear? Simple. I weighed myself.
I lost 2 kilograms.
In the middle of the holidays, and I managed to lose. I don't know how I did it, but hell I cried out of pure happiness today. I was so terrified that I would gain, fasting is impossible in my family during the holidays. Eating is something I have to do, otherwise I would possibly be back into therapy at this moment.. But none of this matters at this point.
Because at a certain point I will be able to just be me, the real me.
I feel like I am a thin, thin girl, but there is just this thick layer of fat around me who's covering me up, who's not allowing me to breathe.
I am busy stripping off those layers, I am busy with getting rid of them, and eventually I will be able to look at myself, and smile. I will be able to let a boy touch me, to even touch my stomach while I have my top on.. He will be able to touch me, and I won't cry myself to sleep at night because I am afraid that he'll think I am a cow.
I refuse to be a cow.
Christmas was, even though I ate 1200 or less calories yesterday, and 600 today, fun. It was great to see my family again. To see them look at my mother with a sort of fear in their eyes. To hear them whisper.
"Has she lost weight again?" "She isn't dieting again right?" "She lost weight, you can see it, soon she'll be the skeleton again.. You'll have to stop her!!"
Knowing they wont be able to stop me.
M. is back from his holiday, my family decided to give him a little Christmas gift and after that we had a couple of drinks. As soon as the parents and my sister were to bed, and only my brother, his best friend and M. and I were sitting at the kitchen table, things got fun after all.. Even though the rest of the night I felt horrible, thank goodness Blake and I emailed quite a lot which cheered me up.
Turns out that as soon as I wanted to go to bed, M. decided to do something which I think he sort of considered romantic.
My brother, his friend and M. were eating hotdogs, with HOT HOT Mustard, something I eat whenever I run out of laxatives..
He told me not to leave, and than my brother dared him to eat a spoon of mustard,, and as a reward.. I would kiss M.
The idiot ate as much of the laxative crap until he nearly threw up, it was amusing and sort of sweet in his way. It's making me sort of smile when I think of it. He's a good guy, and I missed him.
He's taking me out for drinks tonight, and since it's second Christmas day, my fast will start tomorrow.
Only the idea, of fasting, makes me smile.
Well, I better get ready now, before M. comes here and I am still sitting in my sweats,