Thursday, 23 December 2010

Everyone is disappearing.

Beauty is worse than wine, it intoxicates both the holder and beholder.

Has anyone noticed how many people are just.. Fading away? How everyone just seems to disappear? For being thin enough to fade away, to fade away because someone, or something has gotten to them, something that makes them happier.
And yet I am thankful for that, for seeing that there are ways out, to know that these people are offline because they are busy recovering, or either busy with family, friends and lovers. Things that make them happy.
It is comforting to know that these things are out there for everyone, for us, especially for us. The few that are left behind, who are struggling, fighting. Who get knocked off their feet, but climb right back up as we are running towards our goals.

And sometimes we just lay down on our backs for a while as we are figuring out what we are doing with our lives. We are slowly, day by day, fading away. We are getting thinner, more beautiful with the day. We are so caught up in this circle of our lives that sometimes we forget to think things through, until it's too late.
Yesterday my whole life was a dark circle, it annoyed me, upset me and made me want to slaughter myself. Technically it was something like "Binge-barf-binge-barf" and that only ended because I had to go to bed.

I am lonely. Because in my fight for thin I lost many many friends. Because I was fighting for the greater good, I thought that it wouldn't matter. That when I would be thinner, I would have too many friends, but right now Christmas and New years Eve are coming up and I figured out that I am all by myself.
My brother and sister are going to see their friends, and my friends are either seeing each other, or their boyfriends. I don't have a boyfriend, and M. doesn't want to spend New Years Eve with me, he already let me know that much.
I complain too much when I am around him. Maybe I am trying to scare him off, so as soon he runs away, I can blame myself and torture myself. Maybe I like the pain of fasting for days, of seeing blood ending up in the toilet as I keep barfing until I can't control myself anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I need help. But Ana is my help, she's my guidance, my saviour. She's my hero, she's the love of my life and maybe I should see that as enough. Maybe I don't need more in my life than Ana.
I am not sure what will happen in the new year, all I know is that I won't let Ana slip away from me for a second time, because I would rather much die than lose her. I am accepting to be forever alone, as long as when I go to bed at night I can still feel her firm grip around me, knowing that I have her, everything will be okay.

I wont fade away, only if it is in thinness, being so thin that you won't be able to see me anymore.



  1. Wow... You took the words right out of my head.
    I feel the same way. Its kind of scary isn't it? we're willing to give up everything for our goals. Even love.
    i think I'm trying to scare away my boyfriend so I wont have to hurt him, so he can hurt me.
    Hm. Makes you think.

    I hope we both figure it out.

  2. you are NEVER alone. just remember that in those tough times you can come here and call for us and we'll be here.

  3. I love love the picture. The hands that are holding her don't even look like they belong to her. I've noticed that many people are offline too. Is it bad that I am waiting for them to come back on? Waiting for them to give up in recovery or feel lonely again? Not that I don't want them to succeed. But because i know that the world is cruel. Babe, you are not alone, we are here for you. Don't beat yourself up for being alone on New Year's Eve. I will be alone too. I'll think of you at midnight and we can welcome 2011 in together:)

  4. Don't worry hun, we're not all going places... I just have had a sketchy internet connection, and been working 40+ hours per week... I just need sometime out of everyone's worrying eyes here at home.. I have to continue in a simple facade that everything is fine... Just for a little bit longer... But don't worry my dear, I'll be back, we'll all be back... Ana never leaves for long, she's still whispering in my ear... Much love my dear.


    email me. you have a friend right here :)

    you're not alone hun. you're never alone.

  6. I think that if you WONDER if you need help, then maybe you do. But then again, maybe what you are going through is simply part of growing-up and not ALL just about the Ana lifestyle. I certainly lost friends in the past because of all my crazy Ana/Mia/cutting, but this time around it's different. I have surrounded myself with people who aren't shallow, people who understand me (even if they don't know my deepest secrets). It really helps to have friends who respect your choices.