Monday, 20 December 2010

Confessions pt. 1

Lets start this blog with the fact that I should plead my case. Not because I am actually guilty of anything, but because there is love to save.
Your love. My readers love, and honestly that sort of means a lot to me..

Lets start with M. and about the way he's making me feel, the way that terrifies me that much that I am too scared to blog, to write down how I feel. Something that usually is something that gets me through the week, but right now, terrifies me this much that I am wondering if I am on drugs right at this moment. Because my heart is racing, like I am committing a crime.
He's making me feel amazing, he's making me smile even when I just think of him, he makes me feel loved and beautiful. He makes me feel like I am special. Even though we're not in a relationship, I trust him more than anything, because he's not the guy to fool around. At least not with me, since I am the little sister of his best friend, he wouldn't dare to do that.
Last friday, I was honest with him when we were having this serious talk about girl issues, but I didn't tell him the whole truth.

I confessed to him, that I think I am too fat, and that I had once bought diet pills to help me lose. Now I know that any normal guy would be alarmed, but I don't think he is. I think he knows I am an intense person, I think that maybe he likes me because I am that intense.
Anyway, I told him that, and he told me that if he would find out that I was either dieting or buying and/or using any pills he would first leave me and then kill me.
Now this shouldn't really upset me this much, because people see it as a sport to abandon me. I think it's creating abandonment issues, because the only reason why I had taken a few days off, was because I was afraid he would leave me. Until the point that I ran away from home, because I got into a fight with my mum for NO REASON AT ALL.

What's wrong with me?

I'm not the girl that falls in love, I don't get all loved up with a guy, I don't let a guy get into my pants in any sort of way, I don't get upset because I am afraid that he's going to leave me.
Ana used to boost me full of confidence, she told me I was too good for these guys because I am the only girl that would take everything to the limit, and I believed her.

Now let me make things clear, I am not, and I wont ever, let a guy get in the way from Ana.

I am just afraid that he somehow finds out about my blog, just like my friends did. I am afraid that I can't bother him with my problems anymore, because one of my friends told me that she did not want to hear any of my problems anymore. Simply because she can't handle it.
I am terrified that he'll leave me, abandon me just like so many of my friends have, so many guys have broken me..
M. is the guy I can see every day, kiss him every second of the day, and it will never be enough, but he hasn't realized what he's going to get involved with..

I am turning into a disaster, more beautiful with every pound I shed, but more broken as well.
I am not sure that if he finds out, or if I would tell him that I have an ED, that he would stay with me. I don't think he will.. Should I let him in on this dark secret before I get into a relationship with him, after? Or not at all..
He's already complaining about my eating so I think he'll eventually realize what's going on.. he isn't a complete and utter retard.

He's in Austria right now so I plucked up the courage to tell you this, to get my ass back online because I know that a whole week without him, and without you, would be horrible. It would drive me crazy.. I need the Ana community, and I need M.
Now I just have to find this healthy balance between the two of them. I'll manage don't worry...
I'm just terrified that I have to pick between either one of you, and that will be you.
Don't worry. That's the thing that terrifies me.
I won't leave you, abandon you, I won't abandon Ana.
She's possibly the closest, most amazing friend, just like you are to me.

But M. is my undercover lover and I am not planning on losing him, it will kill me.

I just felt like telling you lovelies this, just so you know why I can be absent at times, why I am afraid to blog and why I am not reading your lot blogs all that much.

I love you, all of you.



  1. I really hope that M. will never ever break your heart because you don't deserve that. You are a wonderful person and i love reading what you write even if it's hard for you sometimes. But I know how you feel even though i am a thousand times heavier than you are. I think you're beautiful and i envy your weight, but i wish i could take some problems away, just to make you feel better. I think there is no girl in the worl who deserves to be unhappy, and i dont want any girl to be unhappy because of a boy. I hope things go well.

  2. this must be so so hard for you hun i can't imagine. i think on one hand it's ok to have secrets - nobody needs to tell their friend or partner absolutely EVERYTHING. we need to have things for ourselves. but even if he did find out i would hope that he would support you and be there for you, not leave you. you deserve only the best love, support and understanding from him
    stay strong beautiful xx

  3. It's good to have secrets sometimes :) If it feels right to keep it, then do, he doesn't have to know everything :) I hope if he did know though, he wouldn't leave, he ould be there for you xx