Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, 'til I'm going to need somebody to lean on.
Since I was thirteen I refer to my friends as family. The true friends I have have always helped me, and I have tried to help them at all times. I tried to be there for them, just like they were usually there for me. I have friends whom I have been on holidays with, and with others I have danced in the rain. There are the friends I drink with, the friends I watch movies with and the friends who know everything about me.I love my friends. I love them so much that I would forgive them possibly anything.My friends are the people I would die for. I love every single one of them, just as I love every single one of you. I would hate it when something happen to any of you, or to them for that matter.
Lets just say: my friends are my world, without them I would be nowhere.
A few things have changed over the years though.. And I know its a part of growing up, and that you can't stay friends with everyone. I just thought that I had friends for a lifetime, and with every month that passes I am started to get more and more scared that I am going to lose them.Even though I do not accept how some of them treat me, and we are all very strongly, differently opinionated, I would die if I would lose one of them.I would honestly die out of heartache..
I never wanted them to know that I am suffering from an eating disorder, I never wanted them to know the things I go through on a daily basis. But at a certain point I couldn't handle being all by myself anymore, I couldn't always access the internet.. I needed someone to know, also to keep an eye out for me, because I know myself. And I am scared that I am going to die. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather die than be fat.. But to be perfect, I have to live. I have to be alive to live a perfect life.. You can lose weight, over and over and over again, you can get in and out of therapy at any time, but when you're dead there is nothing left.. I am going to be thin, but I am going to stay alive.
So two of them knew, or well, that's what I thought.. But it turned out that two other friends had found out by themselves.. By invading my privacy, which at the time being, honestly hurt and upset me. It hurt me so much that they had the guts to break into my little world like that.. And not even telling me, not just for a day, or a week, they only told me as soon as I had found out about them knowing things. Let me quote some things from the blog I posted back then.
My friends do understand me, they accept me but they're scared. and I know that, they are worried that I will get too thin, that my organs are starting to fail. That I'll get pulled too far in this whole twisted and decayed world. They just don't know how easy it is to cave yourself into this world, how amazing it is. How comfortable, fuzzy and warm. How amazing it is to keep losing, to feel dizzy in the morning, to feel dizzy in the afternoon. To feel sick whenever you do eat, because the intake of food is a rare. They don't know what it's like to binge, or hat it's like to be disgusted at all times when you look in the mirror.The truth is, they don't know a thing.
Your friends try to understand but they don't know how much it aches, and how often you just want to scream and lock yourself up, lock yourself away from food or mirrors. They don't understand why I feel bitter at all times, they try to but they simply can't. They can't understand what it's like to wake up screaming because you've taken too many pills and your kidneys are aching like someone is slowly inserting a knife, twisting and poking it in your organ.It's okay though, because they do accept and that's more than anyone can ask for.
But what if they can't accept me anymore? What if they can't handle me anymore? What if they hate me because I am suffering every single day? What if they all blame this on myself? What if they get angry on what they read on here? What do they expect me to do? Do your friends know? Anyone? How did they react?
It was lovely going to Utrecht with the girls yesterday by the way, hadn't eaten until I came home where I ate 50 calories, though I think that at my friend's place later on I ate about 70-100 calories in a few hours, so not a HUGE fast but still.. I am quite proud of myself. And since I have been a good girl lately, I decided to spoil myself with a pair of UGGS. I love them. My legs look thinner when I wear them. I had a lovely time catching up with my friends, I had a lovely time hugging them, laughing with them, digging up old memories.. M. who lives only a few streets away from my friend's place, decided that he didn't want me to go home alone, so he escorted me which was lovely. Yet, as I left I felt how the tension started in the room.. How something got different.
Three of the four friends that know about the ED were with me in Utrecht, so they noticed that I was playing with my food at dinner, and they realized that I wasn't eating, and as soon as I left they started talking.I never wanted two of them to know, but yet they found out and there was nothing I could do. I could only hope that they would be able to handle things as adults.. But I am not sure if they can anymore.I cried today when my friend was over, because I am terrified that I am going to lose my friends over this. And I am terrified because I have the feeling that they are going to make me choose between Ana and them.I am terrified that they hate me because of this, I am so scared that I am going to lose them over this. It hurts so much to know that they hate me for this, it makes it impossible to breathe.
I don't know if I should talk to them.. I am scared that they think that they can't discuss things with me. But honestly, they can. If there is something on their mind, they should discuss it with me. They can and they don't have to worry that I will get mad at them, or that I don't understand their point of view because honestly I do. I just want to sort of apologize to them, and at the same time just discuss things with them so we wont have things like this anymore. Because it's not necessary.
On to a happier subject.. M. said that he loves me. He said that he loves me and it's made me happy, too happy actually. I hadn't thought that it would be possible, certainly because we're not together.. But he said, that even though it was too soon, that he really loves me.
New years resolutions will be up on Friday I suppose!! :)