Sunday, 21 November 2010

Now what.

Fantasies have to be unrealistic. Because the minute- the second- that you get what you want, you don't- you can't- want it anymore.

The moment I had reached my goal weight, nothing mattered to me anymore because there was this hollow feeling, this utter disappointment. I had thought that I would have been thinner, that I would have been beautiful, that a guy would fall in love with me and that I would have my happily ever after.
I had no clue what happened to me when I wasn't thrilled, when all I did was cry, because I had ruined the fantasy for myself, so now I am going to figure out what to do.
I think I just failed in life.

Now onto a whole different subject, what if you are starting to feel something for your best friend? Who's twice as tall as you are, who is absolutely no boyfriend material and who has only recently dumped his girlfriend? Because I think something like this might be going on and I absolutely hate it.
I think all of us have the same goal, we just want to be wanted, want to be loved. And now there might be that possibility, and all I can think of is how he has already noticed that I don't eat, how I refuse any possible food intake whenever I can. He always goes on about his ex, and at the same time he says that we've always had this special connection. He confuses me, he upsets me, and he just makes me feel horrible.
Another fail.

Gained 1.2 kilograms this week.
Absolutely hate myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, every time I finally lose something my mother just ruins everything and I fall back on my face, and it's tearing me apart, because I want to lose and I want to feel pretty and I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile, and all that woman is doing is ruining me, making me cry, making my heart ache.
But I can't wait a whole year.. I won't be able to do that, I will go absolutely mental.

My general food intake exists of dry toast and dinner. Sometimes a piece of fruit and tea. That's ALL I ever eat and out of nowhere, I have failed this week. Went to Harry Potter and stuffed myself with popcorn.. Twice.
Ate pizza while I was watching Children In Need (absolutely loved it) - a whole fucking pizza was gone in five minutes, and it made my parents SO INCREDIBLY proud... I had just started a water fast on Thursday and then a massive binge ruins everything.

I feel like a major failure, I am stressed out, able to cry and I just want to lay in bed until the first snowflakes, which unfortunately, will possibly be this Friday. Nevertheless, it will get me rested and charged for the next upcoming weeks..

So yeah, I want to thank everyone for the support, and thanks for commenting on my fat legs, you've all been too decent and nice, read all of the comments today and it surely made me smile, and a few made me cry actually.
So thank you, I really appreciate it, even though I will never believe you when you all say that my legs look great, ah well .. We know why. :)

Thanks, thanks thanks, you are my heroes.




  1. I really liked what you said about fantasies. and it's true.. I think you are confused in many different levels right now,so please try to stay calm and positive (I know lame advice).
    as for your best friend, me and my guy best friend had a complicated situation but decided to keep the friendship instead. and I'm so happy about that. I could never imagine my best friend as an ex!
    goodnight dear, it's getting late here and thanks for the lovely comment!

  2. what you say about fantasies and goal weights really is true. i thought i'd look a lot better in the 130s. turns out i still look just as fat.

    best of luck.


  3. I know this might suond lame but as I read your post I was lost for words. Wow. Just wow. I can completely and totally relate. All I can say is just think positive, stay strong and love yourself. Good luck darling.

  4. we put such high expectations upon a certain number.....we work so hard that we think it must correspond with a certain image but then it doesn't. don't lose perspective hun - you've come so far.
    stay strong xx

  5. I know this feeling. I think that's why this common goal satisfies us so much- because it takes so damn long to achieve. We build it up in our minds and then sometimes it just feels like "so what?"
    Ugh. I'm so sorry you feel this way right now. But people care. Look how many bothered to write you words of encouragement. You're not alone :)