Wednesday, 24 November 2010


I'm too far gone, it's all over now and you can't bring me down.
Love, is won over by ignorance.

I am the biggest stupid idiot ever. I will burn in hell honestly, HONESTLY.
If fools were meant to fuck you, honestly, than why do fools fall in love? Because I am the biggest fool on the whole wide world, ever. Things with my best friend, who we'll name..
Hell, how are we going to call him? Idiot will possibly be too rude now innit?
We'll just call him M. Lets just say, that first of all he's onto me, he knows that I am not eating, and he keeps asking me why and I don't know how long I can keep on lying before he'll inform my brother, biggest fail ever, falling in love with your brother's friends.
Keep making the same mistake over and over and over again.

Most stupid thing ever is though, we all know what will happen. Nothing, absolutely nothing, we'll make out a few times, I will be madly and deeply in love with him and then, he'll dump me saying that he has changed his mind, and if not, I am not even sure if there is a 1% possibility that we'll last.. He'll never allow me to lose weight.. and yes, he's the kind of guy who will make a fuzz of it, because honestly, he wouldn't care if I would be flirting with other guys.. But honestly, I know for sure, that if he'll notice me lose as much as I want to lose, he'll kill me.
He will honestly kill me.

So I don't even know where this small shiny light bulb of hope is coming from, I have no clue WHY it's there, because every guy I've ever met has let me down..
I am not sure if I can handle another disappointment like this though, last time I already grabbed my razors to start cutting again, I don't know if I can do it.

Weighing Wednesday is a shit day anyway, I am still exactly the same weight, I am still the fat cow, though.. On the plus size, ordered some cardigans from and found out that I had to order a size 8 in stead of the usual size 10. :)
So daddy's gonna send it back and I've already ordered the size 8, trying not to cry of utter happiness, because mother would have slaughtered me.
Also, she's allowing me to smoke in the garden, so that means there wont be as much longing for food throughout the day.

I am seventeen years old, there is nothing left but love, hate, desperation, longing, fantasies, lust, alcohol, nicotine and fasts.
I am not sure if that's a good thing. :)

I've decided, that if I haven't lost at least 2 kilograms before Christmas, I am going to buy myself some pills again, not caring that mum will definitely put me in a clinic if she finds out.
I NEED TO BE THIN. I need to be happy, I need to get in this place where body and mind are one before my exams in May.. I will have to lose, and fast. Right now I want to reach 40 before my birthday in March, which would be about... mmm.. 88LBS.
Sounds perfect don't you think? 88? 18th birthday?

I somehow want to get more connected with you lot, because well you mean a lot to me to be fair. So if you want to know something about me, ASK, or well yeah, ask questions. I'd like that.

Goodnight everyone, sorry my blogs are SO lame lately. :(



  1. Darling you do what makes you happy, if the boy makes you happy, have the boy, if not - wait?
    You could make sure you're completely happy with yourself before you have a relationship with him.
    You won't let him love you unless you love yourself.
    Be happy, be thin, but look after youself kay? We love you lots and I would hate for your mother to stick you in rehab! How would we read your posts??
    And I actually do have some questions:

    What is your favourite music, what is your favourite thinspo andddd

    What's your name? :)

    (god essay much?)

  2. oups boy trouble! who hasn't right? but yeah I believe that falling in love with your brother's friend is much much trouble !!
    I need to lose 2 kilos before x-mas too, so good luck with that!!
    as for a question..
    well, do you have something that you do/wear that is your signature?? that always people think "this is so AStone"?

  3. 88 is a wonderful number. It's my goalweight,too. But i've got some mroe months till my 18th birthday.
    I'm sorry that it's not going well with M. Unfortunately and maybe Lucke me, i don't have a brother. But many many sisters.
    I'd like to have one though.
    Stay strong, i love your posts. they aren't lame ;)

    have to go to school now. Being 17 is hard.

  4. Do whatever makes you happy at the time! If you like the boy, date him. You don't know that he will break your heart - you could end up breaking his! Who would break up with a gorgeous girl like you? :)
    Have the fun while it lasts, it will be good for you, and don't be too hard on yourself.

    Stay strong lovely :)

  5. Your posts are NOT boring. They show what a strong lovely lady you are :)

    Don't EVER let a man control you...even if it's only forcing you to eat. Trust me...being forced into anything with a utter hell, don't let it turn into something like that.

    Penis=problems...actually vag=problems too...ugh maybe we're all better off being asexual lol.

    Good luck, you're doing so well!!

    Stay lovely :)

    <3 Ali

  6. if there is a light bulb of hope, then maybe something is different about this guy? i hope so for you! he sounds great.
    and woohoo for size 8!!

  7. Hey sweetie! Thank you for all of your support lately.. Means a lot! Size 8? Congrats!! That's my goal haha.. You should be hopeful! And the pills, well, maybe not? There are better ways. I took them and I got soo sick soo fast I needed to be hospitalized for a week just to get my body working again.. And you really don't want to risk it with your parents, do you? The boy seems sweet! I'm sure it will all work out for the best. You can do it!!

    With love.