Once upon a time there was a girl with an eating disorder trying to find a balance between the good and the bad. She has to deal with the evil demons inside her head, dragons roaring in her stomach, dwarves, giants, fairies and tons of guys pretending to be the knight in shiny armor.
Friday, 26 November 2010
Boys Boys Boys
Goodbye, my almost lover, Goodbye, my hopeless dream I’m trying not to think about you, Can’t you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance, My back is turned on you.
I feel like everything I do, every guy I see and fall in love with, that I just keep scaring them away. I mean, what is there for me to do? Maybe I like guys too easily, maybe I should just cut out my stomach, so the butterflies will go away.
I didn't go to school today, couldn't handle another day and had an important day I couldn't mess up, so dad called me in sick since I just couldn't mess up the test, if I would have messed up, I could drop out already because I wouldn't make it this year after failing that test, at least that's what the school said.
Not that things are not going okay, I am doing quite well actually, better than I had expected when the school year started, yet, there are only a few tests before my exams start and I want to start out great, I want to do this the right way, the good way, I don't want to get all stressed out.
That would be so stupid.
I have been fasting all day, for some reason I am more comfortable around guys when I fast, yes, my stomach was pretty embarrassing but at least it wasn't all fat and swollen up from the food. Though, as we discussed weight and insecurity, and he insisted on seeing my stomach I refused, I feel quite good. Just had dinner, a meal I can't refuse to eat, parents, I am still as hungry as before which means I haven't had as much as I should have eaten, which is so satisfying!
I am losing weight for myself, to feel good about myself, but why? So that people will think I am beautiful and perfect? So I can look in the mirror, and smile? So I can take deep breaths and feel beautiful? Because we all know that is not going to happen anyway.. When is perfect, perfect enough?
When is thin, thin enough?
I will hope I know the answer soon, really soon, because that means I will have reached my goal weight and well right now, I am still too far away from it.
In my last post I said that I want to loose 2 kilograms for Christmas, it sounds like NOTHING but it's so hard for me right now, my parents are still watching my every move, I now have M. who keeps moaning that I have to eat.. I can't please everyone, I have tried, failed, and now all I want is to please myself. And if that means pleasing Ana.. Sure, I can handle that.
Now to answer your questions..
Zoe asked: "What is your favourite music, what is your favourite thinspo andddd What's your name? :)"
So, my name is Anna, my friends call me Ann or Dollie since my real name starts with a D. it's Dutch, so I am not going to bore you with the name, lame! My favorite music? EASY! My favorite band ever is McFly, though I also listen to music from The Saturdays, Paramore, Blink182 and of course, Maria Mena. :)
My favorite thinspo, abpf, that's a hard one. Taylor Momsen, any random thin Lookbook pictures, and well any thinspo that has anything to do with a huge gap between your legs.
Oh, and Frankie from the Saturdays is ABSOLUTELY beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, amazing. If I'd look like her, I'd never ever get into this mess in the first place.
Annamaria asked: "Well, do you have something that you do/wear that is your signature?? that always people think "this is so AStone"?
I have been going over and over and over that question in my head a million times. So I asked a few friends saying that it was for an Essay I had to make. So M told me that it was either My big mouth but small golden heart, and I have to confess I am the girl that sticks up for herself at all times, and I am VERY opinionated, hell I am. So that'd be a good one.
Others said the fact I always wear my big black trench coat inside and smoke fags at all times, so either one of those two things haha!
Tayl, Amy, Ali, Tali, x.x from http://motleydreams.blogspot.com (Sorry love I don't know your name :o), Hanrietta Gray, thanks for all the support, and Zoe and Annamaria, thanks so much I love answering questions.