Saturday, 13 November 2010

Heal This Heartbreak

Walking around like a wounded soldier, out of my mind in a nightmare.
Wishing it's over, trying to get over.
How can I fight when my heart is frozen?

So my friend dumped me, the guy I had been so in love with doesn't want me, I failed multiple tests at school. What a crap week.
I am aching all over, it honestly hurts to breathe at some point. Worked all day, didn't eat all day. Going stronger than ever, pushing myself further than ever, and still I know that this will be a few week process. Mum is already accusing me of dieting again, not even to mention that she decided to ask me if I was using laxatives, in front of all my father his birthday guests, including one of my friends who doesn't know a thing.
So messed up.

I am not on laxatives for your information, it's not my fault that my parents can't cook :).
I'm feeling alone again, it's not any of my friends fault though, well not all of my friends. I get invited to the parties, people take me out for drinks all the time, I hang with my friends and still I am sitting here crying. It's all so superficial at this age, one moment you think you have a friend for the rest of your life, the next moment she just lets you fall. Your face crushed on the pavement and no one is there to help you up on your feet again.

One thing that slightly cheered me up is to see that many of my favorite bloggers are returning to this dark and twisty world, and even though I'd never want to wish this upon anyone, it's good to hear how people are, what has been happening in their worlds. To just read these words they have written earlier.

I want to be the girl that is in the magazines, the glossy ones. The ones where we are drooling over, seeing ribs, hipbones and being absolutely gorgeous. But for some reason I am not all convinced that I'll ever each that point, not that I am not convinced that I can do this, there are just too many things and people that will stop me from doing this before I will be as gorgeous as these girls are..

So many girls I know have boyfriends now, or get all the attention from guys they want, and here I am. Sitting all by myself, haven't received a text from a guy in about one month, haven't heard someone say that he cared in two months.
Believe me, I don't need attention from the guys to feel good, I can feel good when I've lost weight. Or when I look in the mirror and don't gag, because there is progress. When I fit in those jeans from a few years ago, but still.
Is there something wrong with me? Is there a reason that I can't make someone's heart skip a beat? I am not looking for love, I am not ready for love, but I am trying and struggling and it would be great to see that things are paying off.

Going to get glammed up now for the party, possibly drink too much alcohol. Too many calories but haven';t eaten all day so hopefully I'll end up puking my guts out.
Or either kissing a random stranger who will tell me I am absolutely gorgeous.

Though i reckon that neither of those things will happen, I'll possibly go home alone and cry myself to sleep again. Sigh.

Hopefully everyone's day has been a little bit better than mine.



  1. Don't feel so down :( Guys suck ass!!! I should know! You are gorgeous! So glam yourself up for the party and feel sexy :), enjoy yourself, and the rest will follow xx

  2. i'm sorry you're feeling down hun :( i feel the same way about boys too - i'm not ready to be in a relationship because i don't feel good enough about myself yet but you want to know that just as you are, you can make someone feel love. i guess the obvious answer is we have to love ourselves first before someone else can? that somehow isn't satisfying enough for me anymore.
    anyway, hope things pick up. stay strong x

  3. love comes at you when you least expect it.

    "im not taking laxative's, it's not my fault my family cant cook"--lol, total opposite of y family. I wouldnt worry too much about the party either, you had a really great week calorie wise by the looks of it! :D, happy for you.

    i sincerley believe that you cant love anyone until were capable of loving ourselves, sooo lets e.d on eh? ..

  4. Seems like a lot of us have had a shitty week. Sorry about your mom hassling you in front of your guests. Stay strong.
    XX Sarah

  5. Mums are seriously strange.
    Please don't feel down, you sound like such a lovely person and shouldn't care about stupid boys! Haha they really are odd creatures. I hope that you feel better soon lovely.

  6. thank you love.
    stay strong, xo.