Wednesday, 10 November 2010
It's Weighing Wednesday in my little castle. Every Wednesday terrifies me, and therefor, I always for some reason want to stay put. Give up for the day before it has even started. Getting out of bed is already a struggle everyday, but weighing wednesdays can completely crush me for days. Weighing Wednesdays is something Mum does once in the month, seeing if there has been loss, gain, and how much. If I go over the top, she'll put me straight back into therapy.
Today, both parties were relieved.
Mum because I gained. I because I didn't gain too much.
46 Kilograms. That's it, nothing less, nothing more. 46.00.
It's quite okay, and because mum thinks I am going into the "right direction" I'll possibly be off her watch soon, she's busy enough anyway...
Now honestly, I just want to thank everyone for following me, and for being there for me. Because without you girls things would have been so hard on me, and just reading your blogs or seeing your reactions to my blogs, it just makes my day, it makes me feel better, happy. Like it's no longer me against the world.
I have just wasted my time typing something that is not worth typing, because some things are not worth it to mention, because I'm sick and tired of this. Because I am hurt. Fuck this.
Things are quite hard on me right now, every time around this time of the year I'll somehow get more depressed than ever. Because at this point there is no more quick runs to the shop to just smoke a cigarette, to lose weight. Or to run around the neighborhood, with the excuse that I need a smoke. I absolutely hate PE, I absolutely hate exercising, but I will have to at least do my sit ups so that's what I do right now. Got cleared by the doctor though, he allows me to PE again, my spine has healed and there is nothing that can stop me from working all the time which is a great way to lose, since I carry around +15kilogram boxes all day and run around like a maniac. Even get paid for it, love my job.
I have been staring at a child her legs today, wishing that they were mine. Yesterday in class we were discussing anorexia for some sort of stupid reason, and then suddenly everyone turned to me, telling me that my legs were not "naturally" thin, and how much weight I had lost in the time they knew me. It was absolutely horrible.
For some reason it was a huge compliment, I know that, but I just cringed. I wanted to run away and cry, cry my eyes out. In stead of that I pointed out that obesity is more of a problem and everyone started discussing that again.
I don't want people to know how mentally fucked up I am, how insecure, I really am. How often I cry, because no one has ever seen me cry. They all think I am this tough tiny girl with the big mouth, the girl that always moans how she needs a cigarette and who parties too often.
The girl who can't find anyone who loves her. The girl who gets dumped by her friends at least 3 times in the year and somehow stays tough.
I wish I was that girl, but I am anorexic and mentally fucked up so unfortunately, it's just one big fat joke.
I'm hiding out in my sister her room, she sleeps in her old room since my parents are painting downstairs.
The horrible smell that is burning my nostrils is refusing me from running to the kitchen, open the cupboards and grab a bag of crisps. For some reason I know that fasting is more comforting but I can't put my brains to work right now.
I'm sorry my brain = dead, hopefully you beautiful followers can forgive me.
By the way, thanks again, 70 lovely friends that follow me, whenever I hit the 100 I think I am going to celebrate.
Any suggestions on what to do?