Thursday, 4 November 2010
above the noise
Tell me can you hear my voice, loud and clear above the noise? And even if I had the choice I would not give up.
Had the shittest week of a lifetime. I am not even going into details lets just say that I am now literally crying my eyes out wishing I had the guts to finally slid that throat.
Still the big fat loser at school with no friends.
Still more lonely than ever.
Still an emotional wreck, honestly, I'm a mess.
Still in this endless endless fight with my mother.
What the fuck am I doing wrong here? ALL of my friends have boyfriends now, or they are either too busy with their own lives. I am the girl that gets screwed over and ends up heartbroken. I can't blame theguy, who would want me as a girlfriend? Every time I look in that mirror I gag, because I am honestly disgusted to the bone.
All I want is to be thin and pretty and every time I get so close, something forces me to get all HAPPY AND HEALTHY AGAIN.
Well fuckers, here I am. Crying, a scarred belly, heartbroken and lonely. Thank you, everyone who forced me to be HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
I am fucking able to burn those words down, if only..
I'm supposed to go to see the RUG (Rijks University Groningen) tomorrow but my parents want me to pay for everything myself because I yelled at them, and I have like 10 euros left so I will possibly spend my money on cigarettes, smoke cigarettes and be lonely. The usual.
I was looking forward to it, I was happy to go because I had planned a liquid fast and my parents just fuck me over.
Did I tell you about the 'houserules' and the new 'cardsystem'?
It's easy, they put up some rules for me, and every time I don't eat I get a yellow card. Five yellow cards = a red card = therapy.
:) Now see. I already have 3 in two weeks, and it's not my fault. My mum is suffering from the flu, and my sister is a gigantic pig- that's whats wrong. Because if we don't have any food in the house, how do they expect me to eat?
Mum, if you don't do the groceries and give me a yellow card one more time I will not take responsibility for my actions.
The houserules are eating 3 small meals a day, and sometimes they seduce me into another meal, like a salad, after dinner to make sure that I am (here we go) HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
WELL FUCK YOU PARENTS. FUCKYOU.
can't wait to get out of this house, I will fucking stop eating.
A friend told me a story a few weeks ago, about how she knew a girl whose mum died of anorexia. She doesn't know a thing about my ED, but hell I was jealous of the mum. Because yes, it's a pity she died but at least she got to die perfect, what if lets say, I will be roadkill tomorrow? I will be so fucking fat they'll have to somehow sow two coffins together or something, i don't care how or why, but they will have to.
I'd rather die perfect, than be unhappy and alive.
That's all for today, I will try and think of something happy to blog about next time when I am not hysteric and breathing into a bag to remain calm. :)