Thursday, 23 September 2010

I need help. i am so screwed..

She took the light and left me in the dark, she left me with a broken heart, now I am on my own.

My parents found out that I am "back on track". Yesterday was the worst day of my life, at school I received a text from my dad what the fĂșck I did with 6 bottles of pills, which were all nearly empty. Of course he knew the answer.. I lied to hem and told them that it was from the last time they caught me, but that I had hidden those so they wouldn't find them.

What the fuck are they going through my stuff in the first place? #@1#$@VWER#@.

When I got home my mum pretended that nothing was wrong, since we were going to have friends over. After ten minutes I realized that she had been going through ALL of my stuff since I had tidied my room on Tuesday, and yesterday it had been turned into a hellhole. So I walked down the stairs, and asked here where she had hidden my stuff. The only thing she kept telling me that I was a liar, a big, fat, liar. So I grabbed her car keys and found everything in her car, as I had finally placed it back where my stuff belonged, in my room that is, I decided to grab something to drink. When I got back my mum had stolen all of it.

That turned me into a fucking monster, I have to confess I did things I am really ashamed of, but anyway.. I turned into a monster. I yelled at her, when she told me I was a liar. I cried, when she told me that she had made a doctors appointment. I stamped with my feet, when she told me she was finally going to inform my school and she'd make sure I'd have to eat with the teacher like a circus freak. I smashed her expensive plates on the floor into a million pieces when she told me I was going straight back into therapy.

She hit me when I broke her plates, and she pulled my hairs out when I told there that there's nothing she can do, that the doctor will only laugh at her because my BMI is still 18.2 so I am still on the healthy side of the line. I locked her out of the house when she decided to go for a fag, and started looking for my stuff. She's been standing outside in the cold for two hours before she'd gotten in, she dragged me to my room and had thrown me on the floor, locking me up, yelling that I had turned into the same monster as her cousin.
It was possibly the biggest compliment ever, because her cousin.. She is strong. She is beautiful and perfect, she weighs 32 kilograms and is still losing (!!!).

It was three hours later, and I had already cried myself asleep by then, when my mum dragged me out of my bed to watch the house, since I had hidden all the keys. When they got back, a friend of mum was there and one of the neighbors came over so she acted normal and I ate. I ate a whole plate of rice with vegetables to satisfy her, to get my laptop back, to get my blackberry back. To get my freedom back, because I am not planning to stay at home until bloody Christmas.

After everyone had left, we had a talk. She literally told me that I deserved to lose all of my friends, that she thought that even if I was an anorexic I had done a horrible job since I hadn't even finished all my pills, and that she had been on to me from the moment I fitted into jeans I hadn't been able to wear for four years. She had told me that she was scared that I was going to kill myself, just like Thomas did. I decided to better shut up, because that afternoon before I had gotten home I had seriously considered to either run away or drown myself, because I was too scared to go home. On the other hand, I couldn't bare with the thought of laying into that coffin all fat, so as soon as I got home, world war 3 started, as now all of you know.

My mother has agreed on not calling the doctor, or the school yet. She told me to tell her where everything was, all the thinspiration, all the pills, and she begged me to start eating again. So I am faking everything once more. Today I got to stay home, and together we threw everything away which my mum said "was a big step". After that she picked up my nan as I tidied my room, so I pretended to eat. I lied to her and just threw things away as I went for a run in the afternoon, a small run, nothing too much since my physiotherapist doesn't allow me to do a thing. At dinner I refused and lied that I was not hungry.

My parents now keep telling me how proud they are, so I smiled and told them I was going to see if G. or T. was online to just brighten up my day. So now I am sitting here, writing this. I am not going to give in, but my father has now officially rejected me as his daughter. He's not even looking at me anymore. Mum is being all supportive, which is even worse since I am lying to her.

With every word they yelled, with every curse they used, with every accuse they made I shrank down to the size of nothing. Slowly fading away in my chair, when they told me that I deserved to lose my friends if I kept lying to everyone, I just cried. Because my friends know, they do. They just do not care. I found the letters one friend of mine gave me, read all the promises and threw them away during my run. Words, are just words until you mean what you say aren't they? She can tell me that she's here for me but obviously she's not.

I am not going to give up, I am not going to lose the one thing that keeps me on my feet but I am so scared, I am terrified of the therapy where they'll tell me lies, lies, lies. Where they words are like venom, poisoning my brain.

I just need some help, some advice or something. because I couldn't manage to stay out of therapy the first time, and I am not planning on going back.
I need this, I need you guys.

Please, please, help me out. I have never been this desperate before.




  1. oh hun you're post is so upsetting - i'm so sorry that happened to you. what you're parents said was so hurtful but i'm sure it was because they were caught up in being angry and scared for you. maybe just act normal for a little while until they calm down? i'm really not sure what to do coz i've never been anywhere near that kind of situation...all i can say is that we are all here for you and will give any kind of advice/support we can! i hope things start looking up. lots of love xxx

  2. Oh sweetie, don't worry. You're going to be fine.. And you're right, they will only tell you lies. Trust yourself. And what you have in your head right now. You're going to be okay =]

  3. Its so painful to see a father rejecting a child. You obviously need his support and love now more than anything. I understand your pain.