Monday, 20 September 2010

How awful

Sorry for my absence everyone, thanks for the lovely comments. Blake, hon, thanks for the link!

WOW! 51 Followers, how the hell this did happen? Thanks for the follows everyone!!

"Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do." -Pele

A guy I have known four almost I guess, six years has committed suicide, so sorry for my absence but I just didn't know how to start writing again. He took his life, to be free. To feel free, I am taking away my life day by day, to be thin. To be happy, to be perfect. I just felt horrible because I have friends who are all torn up about this.

Rest in Peace Thomas hon, you wanted freedom more than life.

I hate my body. Every time I lose about two kilograms, I gain one. And it's so hard to lose weight already.. I can't even do my little amount exercise anymore because after my blogpost last Thursday I fainted in the bathroom, and I have now officially bruised my spine. I am also suffering from a concussion and been ill the last days.

So yeah when I woke up this morning I lost another 2 kilogram, but tomorrow it'll probably be nothing even though I have been fasting all day through, just drinking tea really. But hey who cares. I am getting closer to my goal weight every few weeks, but still I feel like a fat cow. When I wake up in the morning I feel beautiful when I am all empty, but after my glass of juice I feel like slaughtering myself.

This celibacy thing that is going on is well a good thing to be fair. I am not even looking at guys anymore because I first need to start concentrating on myself, on the losing and once I am starting to be happy with myself I will start thinking of guys, I mean otherwise it'll end up in the same drama as earlier this year..
I mean yeah, wouldn't want that to happen to be fair I really hurt him.

- By the way, speaking of my ex, remember how I blogged about him to stay pure before marriage? THE ASS GOT LAID. With his new bimbo. Yes, makes me feel horribly awesome about myself. Found out because my brother was making fun of him.

So yeah, celibacy.

We're practicing with old exams at school, got an A- for English and to be fair I am really bummed out even though it's actually well sort of good I suppose, this is Ana speaking to be honest. Because being anorexic and suffering from an ED is so much more than just wanting to be thin, I want to be perfect. I want to be the best at possibly everything. - Oh boy I am so going to be so often disappointed and upset with myself.

Read Wintergirls, thanks to Blake! am I being a horrible awful cow if I am saying that I don't like the way it's written.. It seems like the woman is trying to understand and trying to crawl into the world of Anorexia, Bulimia and Eating Disorders but she's so failing at the whole thing. We can all count our calories ourselves, and to be fair I am not sure if we are the girls with the what the crap was it again? Space between our legs where the sunshine shines through? We're not. That's why we're struggling every day..

Hereby I have a subject for the novel I am planning on writing next year. I am going to write about the struggles, about the pain, the secrets, the aching and the lies. I am going to write it through my, and through our perspective. I'll get back on this subject as soon as I will start writing the plot and stuff like that next year.

Ah well, I am going to catch up on your blogs now.

Much love,


  1. Aw it makes me so sad when suck bad things happen.. so sorry for the guy..

    Honey don't feel bad for yourself, you are making a progress and I admire that!! And of course you join the club, cause we all have at least one retarded ex :p

    kisses :)

  2. Im really sorry to hear about you friend my darling. :(

    I know what you mean about not just being thin, but everything has to be PERFECT im the same. I dont see the point in doing something if you arent going to do it properly. whatever it is.

    Your book sounds awesome cant wait to hear more about it!

    Love C

  3. i'm so sorry about your friend :'(

    sounds like you're doing great with weight loss and school - don't b too hard on yourself! success will come xx

  4. I totally agree with your take on Wintergirls. I mean honestly, does she expect us to believe this girl never had one day where she just binged? Unrealistic take.

    I will pray for your friend tonight. Goodluck.


  5. i would love to read your novel.

  6. I'm glad you got to read it! I read it too, I liked her writing style for the most part, but the story was SUCH fiction... I could have done a bit better and I don't even write that well.. .Haha oh well! Stay strong lovely, and dont worry about your ex. You probably just intimidated him, but think about how much hes gonna want you when he sees you in the next few months. Don't worry love. We'll get there =]