Thursday, 16 September 2010
I don't know where to start, where to stop. All I know is that I'll never be thin enough.
I am so jealous of the normal girls sometimes, the girls who have it so easy and just can be thin. I have girls in my class who are as thin as anyone can possibly be, and they stuff themselves all the time and I starve myself and I will never be as thin as they are.
I just want to be thin, is it really too much to ask to just be beautiful? Why is that life just doesn't give me what I want? I want to look in a mirror without having the urge to put my finger down my throat and barf. Had a huge fight with my mum. Let me quote the things she said.
You're a worthless horrible piece of shit who does nothing at all with your life! You nearly passed last year and that's just because you got lucky because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve a thing, you're the most awful daughter that has ever been born, because all you can think of is yourself and not eating. Well, you go ahead, just starve yourself to death, it'll be much more fun when you're not around.
She made me cry and made me walk upstairs with a plate full of cold dinner which I couldn't put in the microwave because she had made pretty clear that she'd beat me up if I wouldn't get the fuck out of her sight.
A few minutes ago she came upstairs crying, crying like a little child apologizing but the damage has already been done. She's now off to her work at the hospital and I am sitting here all alone drinking down liters and liters of water to just barf for the rest of the night, because I don't know what else to do and I ate cold dinner just because my mum put effort into making it. She has a bad day, and I love her to bits even though I am often ranting about her. She's my mum, she's the one that held me two days ago while I was crying into her lap while telling her how freaking lonely I am. I nearly just told her that I bought new pills but I didn't have the guts for it.
I don't think I ever will, I want to be the perfect daughter not the mentally ill daughter.
That's about all, for today. I am completely exhausted and after all of it is out of my system I am gonna sleep as long as possible. Hopefully I can make sure that my father is going to call me in sick tomorrow. I just can't handle another day of standing all by myself, or standing by friends who i haven't seen or spoken to in days.. I don't even know what's going on in their lives anymore because they're in the canteen.. And I just can't handle being around food.
So I am alone. and i cry when I get home, every single night. But it's okay, high school will onyl last one more year.