Thursday, 16 September 2010

Bittersweet symphony

I don't know where to start, where to stop. All I know is that I'll never be thin enough.

I am so jealous of the normal girls sometimes, the girls who have it so easy and just can be thin. I have girls in my class who are as thin as anyone can possibly be, and they stuff themselves all the time and I starve myself and I will never be as thin as they are.

I just want to be thin, is it really too much to ask to just be beautiful? Why is that life just doesn't give me what I want? I want to look in a mirror without having the urge to put my finger down my throat and barf. Had a huge fight with my mum. Let me quote the things she said.
You're a worthless horrible piece of shit who does nothing at all with your life! You nearly passed last year and that's just because you got lucky because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve a thing, you're the most awful daughter that has ever been born, because all you can think of is yourself and not eating. Well, you go ahead, just starve yourself to death, it'll be much more fun when you're not around.

She made me cry and made me walk upstairs with a plate full of cold dinner which I couldn't put in the microwave because she had made pretty clear that she'd beat me up if I wouldn't get the fuck out of her sight.

A few minutes ago she came upstairs crying, crying like a little child apologizing but the damage has already been done. She's now off to her work at the hospital and I am sitting here all alone drinking down liters and liters of water to just barf for the rest of the night, because I don't know what else to do and I ate cold dinner just because my mum put effort into making it. She has a bad day, and I love her to bits even though I am often ranting about her. She's my mum, she's the one that held me two days ago while I was crying into her lap while telling her how freaking lonely I am. I nearly just told her that I bought new pills but I didn't have the guts for it.
I don't think I ever will, I want to be the perfect daughter not the mentally ill daughter.

That's about all, for today. I am completely exhausted and after all of it is out of my system I am gonna sleep as long as possible. Hopefully I can make sure that my father is going to call me in sick tomorrow. I just can't handle another day of standing all by myself, or standing by friends who i haven't seen or spoken to in days.. I don't even know what's going on in their lives anymore because they're in the canteen.. And I just can't handle being around food.
So I am alone. and i cry when I get home, every single night. But it's okay, high school will onyl last one more year.

Love,

A.Stone

6 comments:

  1. seems you need to get it all out too huh.. everything will work out in the end hun. sorry about the fight with your mum, she means well im sure :s.. we are all here for you, we are the internet laps for you to cry into :)

    love you xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. you'll never be truly lonely as long as we're around :) stay strong lovely xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. cutting your right hand for skinny legs, oh that leaves you with only 5 hand nails to paint, no that can't be accepted lol!!
    thanks for the comments and support, I'm following your blog now!

    take care, goodnight
    (or morning, whatever the case)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey there beautiful girl! I've missed you! It breaks my heart that someone as beautiful, sweet, kind and altogether lovely is so lonely and hurting so bad! You deserve better than this life has served you. Just remember it wont always be this way. You are strong and brave and will be triumphant! Just hold on hon! Xxo

    Ps, stuffed the last comment up. Sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Here you go love, until the bookstore gets it in...

    http://www.4shared.com/get/7nJ3Z2WP/Laurie_Halse_Anderson_-_Winter.html

    Much Love,
    xxxBlake

    ReplyDelete