Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Celibate. Sort of.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Yeah so can those people now please stand up and raise their hand? Right.

i am sick and tired of being and feeling so alone. At school I am all by myself fore the first time in six years and it just aches. It just aches so much, to stand alone at all time. I am tired of guys, so I am going to be celibate for a few weeks. No men. Guys. Whatever. No kissing making out or anything sex related. I have to get a grip. I don't need men to feel at least something, I don't. I am trying to glue the pieces of my broken heart back on but I am not sure if this is the way I want to do it..

Physiotherapist said she's worried about my weight loss and asked me if I was on a diet, when I told her that it was possibly because of my period she laughed and said it was okay. My back aches and I feel like throwing up now, because honestly, it aches like someone is trying to kill me over here. Do you know the feeling when you've been out for a run, or when you've been dancing all night and when you wake up in the middle of the night because of cramp in your legs? That is what I am feeling on daily basis when I am talking about my back/neck ache. Not to mention the migraines.

I miss my best friends, one of them is in England and well she's a little bit down and upset - so she told me. And Iam worried that she's not having a good time, I am worried that she's not going to get the year of her dreams. That she's going to regret it and that would fucking suck because she's awesome and she deserves this more than anything.
My other friend, well I just haven't seen or spoken to her in such a long time.
I really feel like crying now, because living with Ana means you have to lie and eventually you'll isolate your self from the rest of the world. I had lied to myself that when my friends would know that I wouldn't feel so alone at all times, but nothing has changed.

Is it too much to ask to just have someone who loves me? Someone who holds me when I cry and someone who will be there for me whenever I need that person to be there?
Have been fasting all day, only had a little bit of dinner but took some laxatives so that's going to be alright. My footie team played 1-1 against Inter! So proud. :)

How is every one of you? Heard horrible news today about my Wintergirls book, they "suddenly" were out of stock and I'll have to try again next week to order it. SO BUMMED OUT. I could really use some good thinspiration other than just pictures.. Your blogs do help though, they are the most inspiring things ever so thank you.

Much love,


  1. You have me huni.
    Even though I'm all the way over here.
    You still have me.

  2. Sucks about the book. Have you tried looking at the library? That's actually where I found Wintergirls. Hope everything works out. I want a happy post from you one of these days :)