Thursday, 30 September 2010

I missed you guys.

I missed you guys, I missed reading your blogs, I missed every single aspect of the whole online anaculture which we are all a part of... Fear not. i am back.

I have been having these MASSIVE moodswings. But lets just start, with the very very beginning since my last blogpost now shouldn't we?
On monday I heard if they were going to put me into therapy, something that completely stressed me out. A text from one of the girls I hadn't spoken to made me burst out in tears and for the first time in months me and my mum shared a hug. She felt so sorry for me, that I was going through all of this anorexia shit. I didn't exactly lie when I told her that it was because of my friend her text, but I was not telling her the truth either..

So yeah, there is going to be NO therapy since my BMI is still, quite okay. The doctor is worried that being in therapy right now is actually going to WORSEN my condition because since it's probably group therapy I'll see all these girls who are thinner, which will just push me to lose more like the last time. He did say that if my depressions get worse I am probably going to need prozac or something like that, but for now.. I am good. I honestly cried out of pure happiness.. I just didn't want to go back to hell..

The whole diet my mum has planned out is failing, failing for the both of us. My body is now simply rejecting the food, like we used to reject it with laxatives and fingers down our throat. It makes me lose a lot but it also makes me weak, so weak. It's okay, I like the weakness creeping up on me and wrapping me in her arms, I like the fact that I am shivering at all times, I absolutely love the fact that my ribs are now REALLY starting to show. It's amazing.

On Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday I had quite horrible days, starting out really well and ending up in a hysterical mess, crying and stamping my feet, pulling my hair out, biting down my knuckles as I kept trying not to scream out in utter desperation because I was just not handling things at all.. At all. I felt so pumped during the day but after dinner I turned into a horrible mess.

Today has been quite good so far, my parents are finally leaving me alone on my room again so I can check your blogs and stuff like that. By the way, 59 followers? How on earth, I don't deserve this! My blogs are so lame lately! hahaha.

So, tomorrow is really important. As in, if tomorrow is a fail, it will probably determine my mood and binges for the next couple of weeks. I've mentioned it before how much of a fan I am of this certain band, which you all probably don't know (maybe unless you're from the UK) but yeah. They are opening this HUGE supersite tomorrow and the first 10 000 people who will sign up will get to meet the band all over the world, and they are coming to Amsterdam. My parents allow me to skip school, in fact, if I would eat a chocolate bar they'd allow me to skip school ├índ sign up for €50,- a year. I have never been more thankful and I have never eaten chocolate that fast, thank god for me puking after that.. But yeah, meeting the band would be SUCH a push to lose so much weight. It would be something that would REALLY keep me going, I feel like it's now really starting to get a matter of life and death and it's sort of scaring me. It's pathetic, I know.. I know it's SO incredibly sad, but right now there is nothing in my life that I care about, or which I love.. Which keeps me going through the day. This ,this would make me wake up with a smile on my face for months probably.. I have been a fan since I was like nine years old, so give me a break guys. :)

Please, please keep your fingers crossed for me, PLEASE. It's so important to me to just get that extra push right now.

Sooooooo.. That's all for now.
Thanks for all the support and everything, be strong, think thinner.


p.s. Weighing 43.7 kilograms right now! Wohooooo!


  1. hey beautiful,
    glad that you're back! i completely understand with seeing the band...i've never seen my favourite band in the world play live and they've just announced a few shows in the UK early January and me being over in Sydney can't afford to go!! it breaks my heart but at least we have the music :P so, knowing how you feel, i so hope you get to go and meet them!! stay strong and keep smiling xx

  2. Am so jealous =(
    How on earth did you get that low?
    PLEASE help me!

  3. Oh god, your bones sound beautiful. :) Therapy is easy to lie your way through, with practice. Thinner is the winner!