Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
and i can only hope that one day someone will desire me, someone who will love me, and who will hold me. And someone who will play with my hair and just tell me random things. Who will accept me for the girl I am, knowing I am screwed up but loving me anyway.
Is that too much to ask? Too much to long for?
My friends do understand me, they accept me but they're scared. and I know that, they are worried that I will get too thin, that my organs are starting to fail. That I'll get pulled too far in this whole twisted and decayed world. They just don't know how easy it is to cave yourself into this world, how amazing it is. How comfortable, fuzzy and warm. How amazing it is to keep losing, to feel dizzy in the morning, to feel dizzy in the afternoon. To feel sick whenever you do eat, because the intake of food is a rare. They don't know what it's like to binge, or hat it's like to be disgusted at all times when you look in the mirror.
The truth is, they don't know a thing.
Your friends try to understand but they don't know how much it aches, and how often you just want to scream and lock yourself up, lock yourself away from food or mirrors. They don't understand why I feel bitter at all times, they try to but they simply can't. They can't understand what it's like to wake up screaming because you've taken too many pills and your kidneys are aching like someone is slowly inserting a knife, twisting and poking it in your organ.
It's okay though, because they do accept and that's more than anyone can ask for.
My neck is aching so much that I am actually going to cry, I am too busy to call someone to take a look at it, and at the same time it's killing me. Because I can't even sit, or lay down, or stand, or actually do a thing anymore without being in pain. I just want all of it to stop right now. I gained by the way. 0.3 kilograms but it's still a gain and I have still punished myself big time. I won't get into details and spare you my pathetic failures.
Sometimes I am wondering how more fucked up I can get, because I am depressed, anorexic, I get both mentally and physically abused and I am still sitting here pretending nothing is wrong, but at the same time hating the world with a passion. I hate fat people for being so weak, and I hate people who are thinner than I am because I am scared that I'll never be as thin. I hate people who have a carefree life because I don't, and I hate the fact that there are actually people who have it worse, because everyone should be able to be happy. Right now it's all I am asking for, one happy day. One day where everything is simply perfect, one moment of happiness. The last time I felt genuinely happy.. I can't remember the day that I felt happy, that I felt carefree. Maybe if I'll read my blog, maybe.. The only thing I can think of is when I was with my ex boyfriend, that I was genuinely happy because I was desired, I was needed. Someone loved me. And right now, there's well nothing, no one.
Ordered Wintergirls telling my parents it was for an assignment at school. :)
Has any of you read it? One of my dearest readers? Is it any good? Can't wait to be fair.