Thursday, 9 September 2010
No one sees me, they don't know who I am. It's like being fat, no one will ever take me seriously, for they who will have no beauty, or perfection will simply vanish in the crowd.
the pathetic fuck is me. please do read the description down there. it will only be up for what, yeah, I guess one day.
I had an interesting discussion with a mate from work today. We both wondered why people like me. Why people even smile when they see me, if they would even see me. He was wondering why he liked me and he couldn't come up with a reason.
- but lets be honest, I don't work where I work to be liked by my colleagues. The lazy fat ones that never ever try to even try to be all done on time. I am there to earn my money, yet, he made me wonder why people would like me. Why some of you are even pretending to think I am nice, or beautiful, even though you've never seen me, the real me.
I am a bitter person, who enjoys the suffering of others. It's sad and pathetic, but it makes me feel slightly better because my life isn't going how it should go. I am competitive as fuck, as in honestly everything I do is about winning, about being better than someone else. Than everyone else. I am a perfectionist, and I push myself to the ultimate limit. Because I do this,I expect other people around me to do the same and when they don't, I can completely freak out.
I am one of those girls that just wakes up every morning and who tries to smile and stay positive, but throughout the day, every minute, things are just worse. I am lonely, even though my friends know, I am lonely. Because they do not understand and they wont. Plus I am alone all the time during my breaks, and my classmates are not my friends. Theydo not even know a thing, so this leaves me all by myself.
My love life. Oh wait, there is no love life to describe. So I'll scratch that one.
Being around my mother feels like having people stick needles into my eyes, I know she's trying so hard, but that she can't help it. I know, but still it hurts, and it aches. It makes me so angry that she has chosen me as her favorite victim. Because she knows that I am the only one who's insecure enough to care. Who doubts herself all the time. She blames me for everything, even when she hits me, or kicks me in the guy. When she pulls out my hair, I had caused her to do so.
It aches so much to be her victim, it aches so much to love her.
Last two days have been shit. Consisted of binges, of being pathetic.
Please do kill me now. To punish myself, I am going to post a picture, of myself. And it will be online for about one day. I want you to criticize me, to be honest. To just tell me how awful I am because that's a part of my punishment.
No more cutting. No more burning into my flesh with hot metal objects.
Physical injuries are like a fucking fast to me, too exciting, but at the same time so familiar I wont notice the difference.
Lets just screw my mental health up, works way better.
So enjoy. This will make everyone feel better aboutthemselves. It's gonna be a disgusting one. With icecream, on my stupid holiday. With fucking binges.
Please do slaughter me. Yes I always look like that. Yeah I know my nose is big and that my hair is h0rrible. I know. Start the slaughtering.