Victory or defeat.

There is another way to survive this way of living, a way someone never seems to tell you about. You have to find out about it yourself, because no one seems to share these kind of secrets all that much in direct words. They congratulate you, they think you are amazing.. but they don't tell you about it. They call it the number five; the number five of how to live an anorexic life.

It's not about the victory of reaching your goal weight in the end. Or being the skinniest girl on the whole wide planet. It's about the little baby steps, it's about every little kilogram you shed. To celebrate every little victory, because that is the way how you get through this..

Counting, every, little victory.

Today, surprisingly, had been worse than any of the many days I can remember. Everything just screwed me over. I overslept, the boiler broke and I had to shower underneath icecold water, I was still late and couldn't pick up my pills before work. At work everything broke and I ruined everything. My hands were shaking and people just described me as a complete mess. A younger colleague had to take over from me because they made me sit down and drink a glass of water, take a painkiller. After that, I just felt miserable and lonely, oh and my footie team had a few transfers and now they suck which bummed me out as well. All minor defeats but all together made today suck. I am complaining a lot, I know. So I am gonna trý and be more cheerful.

I lost 1.3 kilograms!!! Not that much but it's an improvement. :)

I was so happy I danced around in my underwear while signing along to the radio, it was amazing to see the numbers drop. Still it's not enough and I know it's gonna be hard, because my weight usually screws me over at 44 kilograms. I celebrated that I lost a few more kilograms because there is literally nothing else to celebrate, which well is okay.

I am finally starting to look forward to meet up with some new people tomorrow, the weightloss made me feel quite good about myself since it's improvement and improvement is good.

Any kind of improvement makes me smile. Last night I had a dream that I had reached my goal weight and my friend came back from the UK and she told me I looked better than ever before. My ex wanted me back, my parents had stopped bitching.

It's all so easy to think that things like that will happen when I lose more weight, though deep down inside you know it's not true. My parents s.ck so they'll keep bitching, and my friend won't come back for at least another year, and she is probably gonna stay there permanently.

I am happy for her though, and I am going to visit her. I just hope she will see the difference by then, the real big difference between fat and beautiful.

I'm still bummed out that I didn't get my pills but I'll get them on Monday, I can survive without them one more day. My mums also gonna finally call a physiotherapist for the pains in my back, shoulders and neck on Monday so hopefully that will get better as well.

Going to celebrate my victory once more wit a late night cigarette and then go to bed, early rise tomorrow!

Much love,

A.Stone