Friday, 13 August 2010

The aching.

Maybe the best part of this is the suffering. The part that is telling you that life sucks, the part that is telling you that you are honestly pulling yourself to the fucking limit.

The way your throat feels after you've been barfing out all the food you had. Even though, it was just one sandwich, the one you didn't even like but you ate because your parents forced you to.
The way you feel when you walk in your bikini, the feeling of having people looking at you, staring. You don't know if it is because they think you look great, you just know that there is a reason why they stare. And in my case, they are wondering why the fuck I ever dared to get in a bikini because hell I am a fat joke.

This is it, this is going to be the last time hardcore dieting I am going to try because my body can't take it anymore. My back aches every day, my kidneys ache at night. My heart aches because I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

Here I am, trying to write and it does feel better, it just still sucks. But since one of my best friends is leaving for the UK early in the morning, I have no choice. Because I could tell her that I felt crap without her asking why.

On Sunday there is this meeting, of this band I like.. I am supposed to go, I promised and I could use some distraction. But we're going to record stuff, walk around with cameras and I am terrified that people who I've never met before will think I am fat. That if someone will see it they'll be as disgusted as I am whenever I look at myself.

New pills tomorrow, my old ones didn't work that well and a girl I've met told me she had better ones, so i am gonna try them tomorrow.
I am also gonna weigh myself tomorrow.. I am terrified, it's going to hurt, I am going to cry. I know that I am going to cry. But i need to do this otherwise I can just give up my entire life.

If I can't do this, I can just grab a gun and blow my brains out.

If I can't even loose weight, why even try to get into law school? Why even try to pass my A-levels? Why even bother.

I hate Fridays, they're down right depressing. grweknbvsdf.

Much love,


  1. why bother? because you deserve a future, a great one. that is why. and i know how this feels, but don't let it take your future.

  2. @helen
    Because I literally lost everything in my life right now which I honestly cared about except for the weight I should have been losing.

    Sucks, but doesn't change a thing. I wont give up though, I will fight. I will have to. Thanks honey. XX