Sunday, 15 August 2010
F.cking state of mind.
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Only then the victory is truly yours.
Today has been absolutely amazing. I only ate one apple and toast all day, while I have been up and running around for at least 12 hours straight. Only drank one glass of diet coke and I feel utterly and completely exhausted. but amazing.
Because while everyone was stuffing themselves with McDonalds I looked away and told everyone I was going to eat at home. And when I got home, I refused a bowl of Lasagna and grabbed a slice of toast in stead, nibbling on it while my family was eating as if they were going to die of starvation.
I have refused every kind of temptation today, so right now I am eating one more apple. It sounds weak, but first of all; running around like a fool through Amsterdam all day is exhausting, second of all I see all these flashes in front of my eyes and if I faint, my parents will force me back into therapy. Which will mean that they'll completely ruin me.
And today was amazing, the thrill you get from not eating all day is something I've missed. I have missed the hunger that weakens you, until you feel dizzy and have to sit down. You'll be stupid enough to smoke a cigarette which makes you even more dizzy, but after a while it stops the aching tummy. For a little while.
You repeat the process, and after a few hours it's like the hunger is a part of you, as if you belong together.
I know that I belong in this world, I know that I need Ana in my life for some peace, for a calmer state of mind and that's something I hadn't ever figured out before. With Ana in my life there is more disgust, there are more hard moments and more times that I burst out in tears. But after therapy, when everyone, including me, was convinced that I was better there was always something tearing me down, I just couldn't figure out what. I felt lonely, miserable, all the bleeping time and I simply turned into a bitch without having a clue why. I like it better this way, because now I finally understand things.. It's because somewhere deep down inside I knew that I was not doing what I was supposed to do, what I wanted to do more than anything. I was denying myself the aching and the pleasures of anorexia.
It hurts, and it rips apart pieces of your soul. But we all love it, we all secretly love the depressed feeling, love the headaches and the dizziness. We are all longing to step on the scale deep down inside, because a part of you keeps hoping that you lost some weight.
And when we haven't, or when we even gained just one kilogram, it triggers us to work harder and do more. Because it soothes us, because we are all so used to feeling this way that stepping out of our comfort zone is unthinkable. Unmentionable.
When we fail, or in other words when we eat... We hate ourselves because not only did you give into temptation, you also have thrown away all those days of hard work. We cry, get desperate and sometimes even injury ourselves because we believe that is the punishment we need.
But the real punishment are realizing and facing the fact that when you do eat, you simply fail.
It means that you; can't control yourself, that you don't respect yourself and possibly more important that you are probably going to give in more often.
But, in stead of drowning ourselves in our misery, in stead of telling ourselves cráp on how much we suck we should simply make things better. Fast, stick down a couple of fingers down your throat if it makes you feel better. Don't feel sorry for yourself, has pitying yourself ever gotten you somewhere?
We should all realize that, because I have reread most of my blog entries and I realized what a pathetic fuck I really am, I mean, what happened to fighting until the end? Or whatever you want to do if you give your everything you'll reach your goal in the end?
I believe, that every, single, one of us, can do this. I believe it, I breathe it, I live it. If I can do this, the most emotional unstable person in the whole wide world, with backstabbing friends, a manic mum, an aggressive brother, an attention-whore ex boyfriend and the rest of the people I know being bloody ignorant cows.