Friday, 27 August 2010

Dear Ana,

Thank you for being the only reliable and consequent thing in my life.

Without you I would have been nowhere, I'd be fat as fuck. You calm me down whenever I am in this deep shit again. You tell me that it's not all me, it's also my mother her issue that she's a manic c.nt and that even though I am fat like fuck, that it's not all because of my flaws and imperfection.
I am alright, now I have something to hold on to in my life. I have a vision, a goal. Something that keeps me going and I can only thank you.
I wouldn't know where I'd be without you.

Right now I feel lonely, I feel numb and I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Except for losing weight and that's a good thing because that means that I still care, I am not yet a robot yet. There is still some sort of human thing deep down inside. To care about losing weight is better than to care about nothing at all.

The world is so fucking clueless, so fucking stupid. Most of my colleagues at work should possibly fucking die because they don't add anything to the world. They are stupid, lazy, slow motherfuckers who always complain while I am the only one who's really trying to finish our work.

I am so upset with everything that I have locked myself up in my room, yelled at everyone in the house after they started insulting me again and I am now going to do nothing but watch Greys Anatomy and possibly cry.
Why? Because I fucking love it and watching it is like punishing myself because I am a big emotional wreck; I can't stop crying while watching it. Hopefully I'll get tired enough to go to bed early; I just want to quit this day and dream about being perfect and wake up all happy and at the same feel anxious because I will have to weigh myself tomorrow.
Can't wait to be fair, I think there'll be improvement.

Much love,



  1. Oh hun, I wish I was there and could give you a BIG hug! Or just have a really good cry with you. You are so strong amidst some really shit circumstances! You should definitely hold your head up high!!! XOXO

  2. You are so strong, A.Stone. I've been catching up on your posts and your struggles and pitfalls are defeated by your amazing feats and goals.

    You. Are. Amazing.

    Be strong like you are and ignore all the crap going on around's the only way we can survive...

    Also, thank you for your comment. First lovely words in a while since I've been gone.

  3. you are strong and wonderful and i love greys anatomy. i love it so much, i wanted to be a doctor because of it, but i shall not because i am not smart enough, but that is beside the point.
    you are awesome.