Sunday, 29 August 2010

Love gives me hope.

Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship.
Friendship is unnecessary, you can easily survive on your own. It has no survival value, but it's one of those things that give value to survival.

So I had my breakdown, my horrible hour long breakdown with lots of crying and tears. Because it suddenly hit me how amazing two of my friends are, how amazing ALL of you are.

My two friends, T&G, know about my ED. I told T because he's been one of the most important friends in my life for the last couple of years and I can't lie to him. When things were going down hill and I couldn't handle things anymore all on my own here in my stupid village, I asked him to inform G. I couldn't tell her myself, scared of losing her because anyone with brains would walk away from a depressed anorexic In stead of that, she kept my secret and she is here for me on a daily basis. To give me hugs, to just support me. They tell me that I am beautiful, that I am skinny and that I don't need to lose weight. And for a moment I will believe them, for one minute I feel beautiful and after that I will look in the mirror and just go back to myself.
Still, those minutes mean the world to me.

Last night, I told them how amazing I think they are. How much I love them, how thankful I am for having them in my life. They support me even though they don't agree on my methods, or the whole losing weight thing itself. They accept me.
It felt amazing to talk to them about my ED. To try and make them understand another little piece of me.
You, are my other friends. Because I don't have to explain a thing, when I binge I know you'd understand. When I survive a 24 hour fast you're as proud as anyone can be. It's so comforting and amazing to read comments, to read your blogs. For more than just two people to know the real me.

It also seems that more friends know about this blog, about my ED. But they don't have the courage to speak up and this hurts me. Because I don't know if I can trust them anymore. I have had lots of issues with my group of friends, part of this being my own fault because I am an insecure whore with a horrible situation at home, and part of me had always been bitching at them because I just couldn't handle all my emotions. The abuse turned me into a monster, for one whole year. After that I had spent one year trying to make up for it, and they just dumped me with a snap of their fingers.. I am so scared that they are going to leave me, that they are gossiping about me. That everyone will know about this.. I know I should trust them but I have been screwed over too many times in general to trust anyone except for G&T at this point..

On the other hand, I have just survived my diehard first 24 hour fast. No liquids, no food. Just 24 hours pure emptiness and it felt so good; until I almost fainted in the shower while shaving my legs and cut my leg open. :)
It was just a massive compliment though, to know that I had been able to survive without food for so long that my body just wanted to give up.
As soon as the 24 hours had passed I drank a glass of juice, and enjoyed some toast. I had nearly started to eat like a maniac in the toast but my mother had been glaring at me all the time; she's so on to me.

Tomorrow is going to be a crap day. 800 kcal to make me survive since I am still not feeling amazing, headaches, dizziness and the general tummy ache.

The fasting gave me hope though, hope that I can do this. My friends their love, and your love, it all gives me so much hope that I can manage to lose the weight. I want to weigh at least 40 kilograms before the 23rd of March. It'll be my 18th birthday and I want to look as hot as possible. Now I know that those 6/7 kilograms don't seem that much, but do not forget that there is a thing as Christmas, and that I have parents and possible therapy in a few weeks.
Mum has already called the doctor to discuss my neck/back issues and headaches so she'll probably bring up that I've stopped eating again.
Great fun!

I am now going to enjoy reading some blogs and after that it's time for bed to get at least my 7 hours sleep a day.

i love you my dearest friends.



  1. hold onto that hope dear, and with that you can do anything,

  2. You amaze me. Congats on the 24 hour fast. I've never even thought of trying to fast without liquid. You're my jesus. And about the paranoid thoughts, push them out. You're too good for that.