Monday, 30 August 2010

Losing my mind

I keep seeing reflections, flashes in every mirror. The moment I am alone everything starts all over again. I feel foolish, terrible, ugly. I am running on empty while driving on a one way street, and there is no point of return..

I am f.cking losing my mind here. I am going mental, I am crying AGAIN, I never cry unless I watch Greys Anatomy, what's happening to me?

I had it all you know. I had a perfect boyfriend who still thinks I am perfect, but I broke up with him because he didn't put me first. It's obvious why, who would put a fat, depressed cow first?
I had amazing friends who were always honest with me told what they were thinking, I was invited to almost every party and I felt loved,.
to now find out that it was all a big fat lie.

If I would know about a friend, who is trying to starve herself until she's practically dying, I would have asked her if she was okay. I would fucking confront her, but they just think this is a fucking cry for attention or something. I bet they do. Or they don't care, because I wouldn't care for someone like me as well, once again, fat depressed ugly cow.

So I am now gonna swallow down all my diet pills, I can't give a fuck anymore. My family is obviously fucking twisted and decayed, they don't love me. they just live with me because they have to, and I live with them because I have to. Maybe my sister loves me, and I love her awfully much but she's possibly going to the States anyway so why fucking care. I will possibly have like, three friends left. Wanna know why? It's because this awful bitch has clenched her teeth in all of my other friends, they're all going to stuff themselves with lunch tomorrow and I am not even invited. Not that I would have gone to stuff myself with fries and scrambled eggs, it's just nice to be invited, to know that people care. Which obviously, they don't.
I am so hoping it's all going straight to their asses and that they'll get even fucking fatter than they already are. They can piss off.

I am so relieved that I have the people who read my stupid bullshit all the time, that I have you guys, to talk sense into me. I am still gonna swallow all those pills down, don't worry. I am too fucking pissed off not to.

I just can't believe that they have known all these fucking months, wait, let me count, 4 months. I have been feeling crap so fucking often, I have had binges in front of them, I have fucking fasted in front of them, I have even once been bragging about my fast. Because I know that they are too weak and pathetic, that they won't be able to do it.

Don't worry, I still love G&T, I still love my person E. who is actually my best friend since I was 4 years old but who I can't tell a thing, because she's already deep down in the fucking world of quoting greys here, I know, whatever dark and twisty. She's my Yang, I am her Grey. Yeah again, greys, but it's just to true. Even the tequila part.
I am so completely losing my mind because I have just realized that my life has practically fallen apart within four months, four months of losing weight which has made me happier than anything else in the world possibly could, but still I have now lost everything.
These friends have screwed me over so many times, and they knew, all the time. How could I have been so foolish? Foolish enough to think that we were even friends, or is this me overreacting because I had a binge and made myself barf until they toilet water had gone completely red?

There is no u-turn to take me back now, I am not ever going to say goodbye to this feeling. The feeling of being empty, it's too satisfying. The loss of my friends is now just another push to get thinner, more perfect. A push to drive myself so far that I know that my parents just simply have to put me back into therapy, and I can't care less right now. My friends all betrayed me.
If I would have done the same, how would they feel? I am so done with those @#$#@$@#%3.
I am gonna leave them, and I know this means that there will be lots of drama in only the first week of school which starts on Wednesday by the way. I am just gonna play their game, they can fĂșck off. Seriously.

Okay I am so upset that I shouldn't be blogging. I am sorry, I am now gonna swallow down those pills and feel sorry for myself. Drowning myself in it, amazing.

Swallowing them down right now. all of what's left, tomorrow I am gonna buy more, more and more. I am going to be as F.CKING thin as possible. I deserve the satisfaction, the happiness it brings. I do.

I'll blog how it feels tomorrow. Possibly perfect.

Much love,


  1. Hey babe, reading this reminded me so much of my darkest time. I was right where you were, no friends, no fun, no life, I was lost. I was depressed. Are you taking anything for the depression? Try getting on something, it will help a little. And you are beautiful. I love to read your words, no matter how psychotic. You can make it out of this rut, I just recently resolved all the hurt feelings with friends...just know that you can get out of this and be happy again.

    TONS of love, Leena

  2. Oh, honey. :( it saddens me to see(hear) you like this. I'm here for you no matter what. I know it's hard to let somebody into your head, but maybe you should see somebody about this...get on something to deal with the depression. It sucks, but it honestly helps.

    If you have any questions or need somebody to talk to, email me!

    Love love love

  3. this will not last. it will not it will not, it will not,
    believe it.