Tuesday, 31 August 2010
I am gonna lift it higher, you can try and beat me but I'll go higher.
There are no hesitations, this is not the time for doubt.
I just got grounded for being too thin.
My mother has officially gone insane; imprisoning me because I am finally starting to feel happy when it comes down to my appearance. It was the first time that I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I actually smiled when I looked in the mirror today.
Is life finally starting to give me some credit for trying so hard?
The last first day of school starts tomorrow morning at 10 for me. I can't believe that I actually made it, that I am actually going to pass my exams this year and go to Uni after this.
Since I was thirteen I have been counting the years until I would be able to get away from this hellhole and now there is less than one year left. It's all really surreal, and again another thing that made me smile today.
Can't believe how exhausted I am though, so I am not going to be writing down a whole lot of bullshit. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am finally having a good day again!
I am convinced that I deserve this, because honestly, life has been pretty shit for me lately and I couldn't even try and change it because I can't change the past and I can't make the clever decisions others should make.
Just decided what I am gonna wear tomorrow, a risky move because I can possibly cry when I look in the mirror but hey.. At least I had one great day.
I ignored all the aching, all the horrible things that could have gone wrong and I just lived my life for once, it was amazing.
I still have no clue what to do with my so called friends who have been knowing about my ED for the last couple of months.. Any advice? Because I am afraid that IF I'll start a fight that everyone will find out about my ED. If I don't say a thing I wont be able to hang out with them as well, I can't handle lying hypocrite bitches in my life. I am already dealing with a manic mum who's words are like bullets and I am the one her weapons are aiming at.
so anyway, I guess it's time for me to call it an early night, have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow which is early enough. At least my mum will be gone from 14:30 until midnight tomorrow which is of course, a blessing.
Thanks by the way everyone for being so concerned but I can't let anyone get inside of my head right now, I just can't because I am too vulnerable. I don't want a shrink to know my pathetic childhood traumas.