Thursday, 26 August 2010

Bad day

Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.

Today I can say I lost. My parents are back on to me again so totally terrified I started pushing food down my throat like a maniac.
I ate cheese. Popcorn.

And as I was all full, I did not even stick a finger down my throat. Because I knew my mother had followed me upstairs to listen if I would do something like that. All day I have been feeling horrible, but I am now holding my head up high.
So I possibly gained weight, but tomorrow I'll fast. another liquid fast, I'll manage. Still have to buy new pills because I want to lose more. Losing weight hasn't been going well in the last two days, I haven't even lost 0,1 kilogram, I am just staying on the same weight.
Maybe a day like this was a good thing to keep my metabolism all fucking perfect.

I am just trying to be positive here, but to be fair i am now crying because I am a big fat failure. I feel lost, like a fucking big mess inside. I am a fat ugly cow. I disgust myself.

I am not going to try a water fast though, because I'll be meeting up with a couple of friends I haven't seen in a while. We are planning to eat at the McDonalds or something though, so I'll lie and tell them I have to eat at home because my mother is a whore, arriving at home I'll tell that I already ate. It's so easy to lie to everyone that it's like a second nature already.

I am not going to punish myself for today. It was a necessity to gain my mother her trust. It is a survival technique I have known since I was a little girl, eight year old and screwed up like a monster already. Not anorexic like this, but insecure and scarred. - Bad enough.
Bad enough to cause me to be anorexic. Love has always been so frail to me, I am scared to love because all my life I have seen how it hurt other people. The people whom I have loved have hurt me. So right now I am a possible alcoholic anorexic who is trying to just party all her feelings away and for now it's working. I am just waiting for the breakdown. Counting the days that I last and then one day I'll cry; cry my eyes out.

Tomorrow I'll try again, and I won't fail. It's a promise.

Much love,

p.s. Wow! Just noticed some sweet comments. Thanks everyone, you girls are my biggest inspiration! Kisses and hugs! XX

1 comment:

  1. You are strong. Know that. You'll be fine, I can just tell (: