Scared

Fear. Fear to say something, to tell the truth, to hear the truth. The fear to see things you don't want to see, feel things you don't want to feel, to be alone.

But in this world, I am all alone. Until I sneak behind my laptop and read all of your inspiring blogs.

Thank you.

I am so so scared, scared to.. To everything. I am scared to show photo's of my "progress" I am too scared to weigh myself. So I don't.

I know I am weak right now, but there are so many things going on that it's already tearing me into tiny little pieces, and the whole Ana thing makes everything so much harder.

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me.

I really think he's gonna hurt me like that, and I can't have that. I need to have him in my life to feel beautiful, at least a little bit beautiful.

We had a fight last Saturday, I was invited to this amazing fun party and well I had no clue if you could take your boyfriend with you or not, nothing was said about the matter.

Of course, I assumed that it was just a girls night in, having fun, drinking tequila and going out all together. Turned out that even my brother was there.. So he found out and send me bloody text messages all night about how disappointed he was.

He celebrated his birthday at his father yesterday, didn't invite me.

Things were so much easier when I was still single, it was so much easier to control myself, it was so much easier to lose weight. I am not sure if I want to do this anymore, but I really do love him and can't lose him at the same time.

I am just wishing for perfection right now, I want to reach my goal weight so bad.

Gained 2 kgs.

Feeling like a big, fat, loser now.

Boyfriend possibly dumping me. Gaining weight.

Someone please do kill me?

At the same time, I am so close now. I am not gonna stop now.

I am getting SO close, I wont stop now.

Much love,

A.Stone