Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Comfortable, fuzzy, probably fat.

Comfortable, fuzzy and probably fat. It's like laying in bed on a sunday morning. When you're still dreaming, knowing you can bury your head deeper into the pillow, stretch out. Feel the sun warm up your face, have some fat-free yoghurt in stead of pure nothingness for breakfast.
You feel more comfortable than ever before, you feel relieved because it seems like a good day, no more depressions, no more mood swings, just a bright sunny day of pure nothingness.

The more comfortable I get, the more weight I gain. It would have been so easy not to get too comfortable if it wasn't for my boyfriend. He is the one big problem to my whole losing weight thing, yet he's the one person who is able to manage to get me to feel fine for at least a couple of hours.
He's incredibly sweet, handsome, makes me feel good about myself and he makes me eat. It's as I read in many many blogs, the boy, is probably the big reason why it gets so much harder to lose weight. When I am around him, I feel gorgeous, he makes me feel gorgeous. He makes me feel loved, wanted. Needed even, since he needed to talk to me last night. Because I was the only person who was allowed to know this, because it ached too much for him to tell someone else.

He knows something's wrong though, he knows that there is something wrong with me.

When he's around, I am perfectly fine. I smile, as often as I possibly can. I try and eat because he wants me to, he says I am insane when I skip a meal.
He's not.. Perfect though. He's honest, I'd say he's too honest. He told me I was 'kind of' hot.
Who would ever tell an anorexic girl that she is 'kind of' hot? Who the fĂșck would ever make a girl, as fragile as a girl with anorexia can possibly be, doubt even more about her appearance than before? Who would tell his girlfriend, that she is 'kind of' hot, but that there are much hotter girls out there?

Should I tell him? Should I tell him what's wrong? He will never accept me if he knows. He will surely tell my parents, who I have finally convinced that I am normal again.
He will leave me. Abandon me, and I am so emotionally attached to him that it even scares the out of me by now.

What to do, what to do.

I am scared to weigh myself, I've always been scared to weigh myself, but I am so close to my goal weight now. If I would only gain one kilogram, I will surely kill myself. It's impossible to avoid with my emotional vulnerability, but I think it's worth a try, a good try.

The laxatives I bought seem to work, been suffering from stomachache all night now, it's horrible. My mother is blaming my dad his awful cooking of earlier this night, my dad is blaming my mother for blaming him.
Great fun!! Because honestly, they're finally leaving me alone.

So tired, I'm both physically and emotionally all tired and broken, a good sleep is needed. Back to the fluffy warm place, to the daydreams, and hopefully I will wake up realizing that I shed another few kilograms. Sorry for the short blog, I just wanted to update you lot. Write down some of my thoughts.

Much love,

A. Stone

P.s. Lexie I don't really know you, but you're so awesome, thanks for reading my blog. You're giving me so much hope. Cuddles for you my friend! X


  1. i share that same fear of weighing myself atm too, it's quite frightening to think our happiness rests on the number those scales show...

    keep going, you are doing lovely xo

  2. Yes the boy is the problem for all of us, we get a lovely fluffy warm feeling when we're with them, forget, eat.
    Then they go away, back home or vice versa and suddenly you're there alone and paranoid. Does he REALLY love you? Was his ex far skinnier than you? Did he love her more because of that? Does he wish you were skinnier?
    It truely sucks.
    But the paranoia isn't you, it's ana.
    I find I live with it, because to me, ana knows best.
    Stay strong, despite the odd comment from him. I'm sure it meant nothing <33

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  4. First of all, your ps MADE MY DAY :-)
    I mean everything I say, hun. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and if your man can't see that, he's not worth it. Also, if you don't want to tell him, no worries! When you're comfortable enough, you'll be able to.
    We all have man issues, I once had a guy tell me "You're sexy cuz you're not skinny. I like that you're fluffy." WTF FLUFFY? So I dumped his sorry ass...

    Just remember that you're amazing!! Eating healthy and exercising directly correlates with loosing weight and your family, friends and man should be on your side (as well as all of us!)!
    Stay Strong! Feel free to email :-)