Friday, 23 April 2010

Shopping hell

Has it ever happened to any of you, that when you were trying on some clothes, you had the feeling the whole world was laughing at you, even though you were all alone in the shop?
That you feel their glaring eyes looking at you, and that all you want to do is cover up your fat body and hide in a corner?

It happened to me today.

I knew that bikini shopping was not my favorite thing to do. I knew that I would not like it at all, I knew that nothing would fit and I'd look fat and hideous in every bikini I would try on. Nevertheless, my mother had insisted on going with me as a "fun" mother-daughter activity.

It was the first time I had a real panic/crying attack in front of my mother while looking in the mirror. She thought, that it was because after two hours of looking in a mirror, staring at my fat, horrible legs and almost exploding stomach, trying on bikini's I was tired because of the mono and wanted to go home.
Hell, I wish it was because of the mono, because I haven't felt any lower in my life than up to this point. So what did I do today?

I acted like a total failure in life, and ate. I binged. Like hell I did.

I have never felt more of a failure than today. Not even when I got my math test back last tuesday. It was as if the saleswoman her eyes were looking at all my flaws, and I saw her thinking. I nearly heard her thinking "why would anyone, that fat, would ever try on a bikini."
"It's not that her ass will fit into one, oh no."

So I cried, and I cried some more when I got home. And I have acted like a total boring whore in front of my lovely boyfriend who surely did not want to watch TV all night.
I made him watch Southpark, and Top gear. Because I knew, that when I would look at those shows; there would be no gorgeous women who would ruin my day even more.

Is there something wrong with me? Because even though, I can feel horrible after a day like this, I am now thinking of food. Thinking of food because I am all alone in the kitchen, and I am bored.
I wanna sneak to the cupboards and grab that bag of crisps that I know my mother has put in there, but I wont. Because in stead of that I am writing this, because I know that if I wont do this, I will eat even more.

Will I ever be perfect? Right now, I don't even think that I am worth it.

Much love,


1 comment:

  1. First thing is first. You are worth it, don't believe that you are not because it is not true.
    Thats something we have in common. I hate shopping, I just feel awful. And when I feel fat I eat because I'm proving to myself how fat I am which is stupid and doesn't make any sense but there you have it.
    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, xo.