Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Only Fooling Myself

I dream days away, but that’s okay -
It’s like I want to hear a silent sound - And then hold it in my hand
But a rose won’t blossom from a ground - Of desert sand, but I like to pretend that

One day I’ll turn around - I’ll see your hand reach out
I’m only fooling myself, oh, - But maybe when you smile
It means you’d stay awhile - Just maybe you’d save me now

I am really afraid that Ana alone is not enough to get me through this, I am really horrified that I will need the help of Mia as well. I need something in my life to pull me through this, I am starting to get way too comfortable, and I am so blaming that damn perfect boyfriend of mine.

Barcelona was awesome, honestly it was great. Even though I couldn't keep up with the energy of the rest of the group due the lack of food and mono, I had an awesome time. The best thing of all was coming home to my boyfriend who made me realize that there is no place at home. He had cancelled work to pick me up, waited around at my place for three hours because we were way too late back home of course.. And when I was about to get back to bed, I found a perfect red rose on my pillow.
Somehow he seems like Mr Perfect, I have no clue how he could ever fall for someone like me, a fat one like me.

I keep losing weight, but it is going way too slow. I am afraid to buy new pills because of what happened last time, I don't want to get back to therapy. I don't want for them to put bullshit back in my head.
My mother wants to go bikini shopping on Friday, the last time we did that I refused to eat for one week and cried myself to sleep for three days in a row.
I don't want to look in a mirror and see ugly fat.

I want to look in the mirror and see bones, nothing but bones. That's what we're made of after all, fat is just something that is there to hide the real me, but I want to unfold, show the people who I really am. What I am really made of, I want people to look at me, and their first thought that will pop up in their mind should be "oh wow she's so thin" which would be the biggest compliment.

I can't survive alone, I need someone to push me to the limit. Especially with a boyfriend who makes me feel like being fat is okay, so he has something horrible to pinch in. No way. No, way. Not anymore.

I will buy the pills tomorrow, I will.
I have to if I want to be perfect. I don't want anything but be perfect. Please, please let this time not be such a fuck up as the last time.
I need perfection, because every other aspect of my life is fucked up enough already. Please, I am begging you Ana, help me.

Much love, A.Stone

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