Monday, 22 February 2010

Times of our lives.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher.

Courage is something hard to find, courage is something that makes all of us strong. It doesn't mean that there is an absence of fear, it's just making out that there are more important things that are worth fighting for.

Now it hasn't exactly been that I've had great days lately. My parents make me talk and talk, make me eat all the time. They are watching my every move as they keep going on with thier suspicion. I've had to admit, that I've been scared to blog, or that while I was typing I had to shut things off because they would arrive with food.

Food I ate, the food that made me cry at night and the food that makes me feel horrible every day. But things are going better, the gained kilograms are nothing; I can get rid of it. I can try again tomorrow and be better; I have my whole life. I will be perfect one day.

Life as an anorexic is hard; we know that what we do is not healthy, that we're ill, sick. I am often scared to look in a mirror, to see myself because I know it will only make me hate myself more. I can't look at my stomach because it is huge. The one thing I am holding onto are the bones I can feel, the ones I can see. My beautiful hipbones, my lovely ribs. It feels good to be back on track, it feels good to finally have holidays and rest for a bit.

Although, rest. I've been partying my ass off, trying to get rid of the worries and trying to be.. Myself, trying to be more like me. It's been working out great and it feels great, I even had one of my special little moments again.
It sounds sad, pathetic and probably sadistic; but I am not me without Ana by my side telling me how fat and stupid I am. I need someone to tell me how fat and stupid I am, I need someone to keep my feet on the ground.

Nevertheless I should not forget about my friends, about having a life except for Ana, because for a moment Ana was my life. It made me depressed, it made me hate my life even more; of course. Ana is all I have and all I will ever have; but dressing up with my friends and fool around on a dancefloor can't be bad right? Isn't it that everyone deserves that little bit of fun that keeps them going on an everyday basis? Isn't it that we all need to laugh once in a while? We can dive into something and get lost in it, the trick is to resurface whenever you are out of breath. Take the oxygen you need, slide back through the surface of the water. Feel the water press down on you; after all it's a burden and a responsibility to dive into the water in the first place. What if you stop swimming, that one split second you decide to give up because you're tired. Will you sink? Or will you fight, fight till you feel the cold air that hits your face as you have resurfaced.

Please do believe me that it's an awesome feeling to resurface. It tells you that either way you're screwed up, that you will probably have to fight longer till you finally reached your goal, that you will probably sink again. But for now, you're okay. You can tell yourself you are okay; simply keep going till you have reached that goal. Don't get distracted; you might sink again. Stay at the surface; keep swimming.
One day you'll have the ground back underneath your feet and you'll be ready to control your life.

This is all I can say for now; my parents are highly suspicious and they're forcing me to go to bed.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep you lot updated any time soon; I am sorry for being awfully quiet lately. Hope you lot are okay;



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