Sunday, 14 February 2010



Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. The word "faith" can refer to a religion itself or to religion in general. As with "trust", faith involves a concept of future events or outcomes, and is used conversely for a belief "not resting on logical proof or material evidence." Informal usage of the word "faith" can be quite broad, and may be used in place of "trust" or "belief."

As I don't have anything to occupy me except for food, my parents and doctor forcing me to eat and the desperation I feel with every pound I gain is killing me.
I thought that I'd been having horrible moodswings because I was not eating, not because I was eating. My moodswings are the only things I can hold on to as it reminds me of Ana, in stead of my parents following my every move, my parents referring to my illness all the time as if I havent got any feelings at all. As if it wouldn't hurt me to eat, as if looking at the numbers doesn't make me want to stab myself.

But I trust Ana, I have faith and I believe that she will come up with something. Refusing to eat would only make things worse, as I am terrified of my parents and what they could possibly do to me as desperation also seems to affect them every minute of the day.

I sometimes wish that I could, you know; believe in God. Because honestly I don't. I believe that there are things we can't explain, things that are too hard to understand. I believe that the sun comes up because the earth turns, I believe in science and in ratio. Yet nothing about Ana seems rational anymore and it hurts as I can't find something to hold on to.
God would probably have an explanation, God would have shown me the path to Ana for a reason, but why? Plus, if this is a mental illness, will I go to hell for it even though God himself made me ill now didn't he?

Are there guidelines on how to be perfect? Are there rules you can follow which will make sure that you wont hurt anyone, and no one will hurt you?
Are there rules for that or do you have to make them up; as in, you can't make out three times with the same boy in a certain amount of time because this can make him like you.
Rules suck.
I usually break rules, but the rules Ana gave me are my lifelines.
My parents are forcing me to do it; they are forcing me to eat. They've thrown away all my pills and they hurt me with every rude comment they make.

Logging off now to go to school;

much love,



  1. I am so sorry about your parents, they don't understand, they think its simple to just eat again, they don't understand the dispair when we step up on the scale and find that we have gained. They dodn't get it.
    Really, I don't know how to answer your questions. I'm sorry. Hope you get through this. xo Helen.

  2. That was a very thought provoking post and I appreciate your being so open and honest about your struggle. I'm so sorry things are so tough right now for you! :( I will be praying that you find hope and peace.