Friday, 12 February 2010

Screwed to the bone.

they know. they know. they know.

I have always been careful, always. I have always been trying to make sure no one would notice my screwed up eating pattern. I have always been sooo careful , I wouldn't have thought that they would find out before I would faint at home. But of course, they heard I fainted at work; they heard it and they went through my stuff.

yesterday; I came home from my lovely work, my room was all screwed up and they found pills. My pills. They found it; my brother keeps making stupid comments.
Doesn't he know how much it hurts? How much of a commitment this is? How i will never escape Ana her strict voice; how I will never ever be free again. I don't want to be; I'd rather die.

I don't know what to do; my parents are threatening to take away my laptop, to take away you guys. To take away this blog, my personal diary. They are threatening to put me in this psychiatric institute, my dad has connections there.
I don't want to leave my friends behind, I don't wanna live in some institute with others like me; they'll think I am fat.
Because i am, I am still not perfect. Far away from perfect to be honest, I want to be perfect again. I want to be thin, that's all I am asking for, is it that hard? Why can't life be fair? My friends are all perfect; why cant I be perfect?

I will not stop. I will never stop, but I am terrified of what my parents might do.
What they will say, because I don't want to hurt them on purpose, I don't. I just want to hurt myself right now; I want to hurt myself so bad because they are forcing me to eat; and I let them.

I need Ana her strict voice, more than ever. But even she seems knocked down at this moment. But; I have a plan. I will pretend to be okay, for at least one week. After that; I will have to be more strict, I will have to work out more, I will have to eat less to get rid of the fat I will gain this week.

I will be perfect; no matter what happends, I will be just like you guys. I promise.

Much love,


1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry they found out...I hate it when family start to intrude on our world. They will never understand this illness. I hope you can get past this to where you want to be. Take care x