Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.
Today has been quite okay; actually it's been great.
So I am celebrating, I am celebrating by writing a blog which will be happy and I will not try and let my mood swings ruin everything.
Because I have mood swings, uncontrollable mood swings that literally make people run away scared of what I'd do to them. I literally told someone to piss off, I literally said: "Piss off, right now. Piss off and don't come back for a good whole day because it'd mean that they're gonna call me 007 because I killed you."
I haven't been eating much lately and I am starting to feel good, I am starting to see beautiful ribs and hipbones which I can only adore as it feels SO good. It feels so good to be thinner than my 'oh-so' perfect sister. To see how skinny jeans that are her too tight; are baggy jeans to me.
I love how her jeans feel, I love it. I never wanna take them off again, I feel good wearing them. I feel thin.
My life is finally starting to feel normal again, normal knowing I am anorexic. I am talking to my person again, small talk, but we're talking and it felt so good. I've known her all my life, we have our fights, we ignore each other and we talk again; this time it scared me because this time, I thought I lost her. I thought I lost her because I've gone all insecure about not only my body, but also my personality over the last couple of weeks. I thought of changing myself to be better; I thought of thousands of ways to get my person back.
My person is the one that can make me feel as good as thin feels.
She's not only a friend; she's my family. She is all I've ever had, she has been there; she has seen and heard the many things that have been corrupting my life since I was eight years old; what made all of this so sick and twisted that I ended up right here. Sitting in this chair writing a blog about my eating disorder. Writing about how much I love to have control over my own life, because I do. I love being in control of things; I am a control freak. Once I slip up, I will freak out and I will do anything to gain back the control.
My person always has known how to calm me down, how to calm me down and let me think; ratio is all I need; emotions are for the weak. People who will follow their emotions will try and satisfy their cravings; cravings like chocolate and icecream when they feel down. Cravings like french fries and hamburgers; all the things I will never allow myself to eat.
Emotions are for the weak.
Exhaustion; hunger and starvation are for the ones who have goals in their lives, who will do anything to achieve those goals and who will keep fighting until they'll fall. Those people are the people who have lost, who have been hurt and who have realized that there are more important things in the world than emotions. They know how emotions can cause you to do things you never wanted to do; but how you did them anyway because you thought it would feel good.
Most of the time it did. For a while.
But as we found out how the satisfaction would only be there for a little while; we realized that there are other ways.
That you can also take the bumpy road with the many numbers you hate, with the days of pure emotion; weakness. With the days where you will have mood swings; confusion.
With the days you realized you have lost weight; happiness.
With the days someone says how good you look; satisfaction.
With the days you can finally see those hipbones and ribs; the day you have finally realized you have almost reached your goal; starvation for perfection.
It's time to go to bed now; time flies and eyelids drop.
Be thin, be strong. Be beautiful.