Monday, 8 February 2010

Falling down the rabbit hole.

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next.

Alice in Wonderland has never really bothered me, Alice seemed fat and annoying, the Cheshire cat scared me to death and the Queen of Heart's is simply a b.tch who reminded me of my mother. But; as I was reading the story earlier to a little kid at work, I found it remarkable how the fall down the rabbit hole seemed so familiar, seemed so recognizable as we are all falling down the hole.

We don't have a moment to think about stopping ourselves as we are falling down, falling down till we hit rock bottom. We do have plenty of time as we are going down, we can look around us and see the harm we are causing; the harm to our own body; the harm to our beloved ones.
Fact is; it's worth it.

I am convinced that falling down the rabbit hole will be worth it. Not because I believe in fairytales, or happily ever afters, actually I think the guy who came up with the happily ever afters should have his ass kicked, no, because sometimes you have to sacrifice something to gain something better. You wouldn't sacrifice something if it wouldn't be worth it.

There are no happily ever afters; happily ever afters are for the dreamers among us, the naive and hopeful ones. I am rational, realistic and pessimistic; fact is nothing can ever disappoint me. No one will ever be able to make me cry, no one will ever be able to break my heart; not even the Queen of Hearts.

Speaking of my mum; I nearly told her. I told her everything I felt, I told her how much I hate it here, how much she hurt me. How she's mentally abusing me day in, day out. She couldn't care less she was just saying on how I ruined her life.
Of course this does affect me; I am not heartless. I cried, I cut and I barfed. I blamed my imperfection; but as I did I could clearly hear Ana her voice telling me that not everything was my fault; that my mother is mentally ill and for the firs time Ana placed me back into my comfort zone, calming me down and I moved on with my live. I did and now I am sitting here; writing this as I am checking my food intake and making a plan for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be better; as it always is.

Sweet dreams,

Much love,



  1. i just wanted to say your writing is beautiful, and it seems like we have some similarities between us, particularly our relationships with our mothers.

    stay strong, love

  2. I flipped through that book too, recently, and found that the changing sizes theme thoughout the book can be easy to relate to.

    "What size do you want to be," the caterpillar asked.
    "Oh I'm not particular as to size," Alice hastily replied; "only one doesn't like changing so often, you know."

    Obvouisly, particular size matters to us. But when I think back on how many different sizes I've been, it's so crazy to remember.